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Keith and The Girl - Podcast Stream Description: Keith and his ex-girlfriend talk shit. KeithandTheGirl.com Click here to stream this podcast

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Keith and The Girl - streams of individual podcasts

1247: Wedding Bells? "People are nervous what I'm gonna say right now."

1246: Out on a Limb "They didn't even recognize he was dead because he always smelled like shit."

1245: Re: Joyce "If somebody shoots me, look into him first."

1244: Read All About It "I eat AIDS for breakfast!"

1243: All Grown Up "You're about to get some real shit dropped on your lap."

1242: GET OUT OF MY LIFE! "Can you imagine a show begging people not to listen?"

1241: Cat Calling "I knew how I felt. I knew that I've never felt this way about anything."

1240: God & Guns "How much dick do I have to suck to show I'm not homophobic?"

1239: Crazy Awesome "I'm sorry that I had an opinion on a person that started a show with, 'Fuck me in the ass. Fuck me in the ass.'"

1238: Mayor May Not "I became Mayor of The Airport Bathroom."

1237: Bad Egg "It's such an embarrassing moment. What do you say?"

1236: Be Nice "I think you have too much sensitivity and not enough sense of humor."

1235: Copywrong "I wish I left before the show started."

1234: Nerdtopia "This is worse than meat on your crotch."

1233: American Idiot "I'm crying over a fuckin' book! Of course I'm not gonna read!"

1232: Bloody Mary "Kill all Jews?"

1231: CryingChicks.com "Can't find innocent car; you can't look."

1230: Vaseline "There's gonna be some drinkin', some creepin', and definitely some fights."

1229: Meet the Parents "I bet he's gonna try to take that can of beans upside my head."

1228: Fight or Flight "You were a sour-faced bitch today."

1227: Fried Salad "I'm bringing a priest and an executioner. We'll see which one I use."

1226: Kryptonite Status "I'm just gonna handcuff you to the tree, and I'll be right back."

1225: Clearing the Air "This is bigger than anyone getting shot."

1224: A Case of the Thursdays "I don't say anything that I don't intend to confront in person if necessary."

1223: I Find It Funny Their common hate in me brought them together."

1222: 100% "I just found out today I'm not the Devil."

1221: That Ain't Right "Do you think that you will enjoy living the rest of your life in a prison cell? Do you think that you will enjoy living your eternity in the fires of Hell?"

1220: Fat Chance "Look at yourself. And look what you've done. Look what you've fucking done!"

1219: Bonehead "I should’ve woken you up and said, 'Fucking blow me, bitch!'"

1218: Shitty Shitty Bang Bang "That's because you're a fucking using whore!"

1217: Another Time "I will make your goddamn life miserable!"

1216: Titty Abuse "I am fighting these children and breaking their nose."

1215: Fighting Styles "Your dad's dead and and my dad's dead, so probably we can bang, right?"

1214: Time Out "Muslims are on a time out till they get their shit together."

1213: Blackout "Let's blackout!!!"

1212: Hot Box "I feel sorry for the Nazis."

1211: Can You Imagine? "I'm becoming a nerd sympathizer! I hated them!"

1210: Last Comic Standing

1209: The N-Word "You sound so stupid. You sound aggressively stupid right now."?

1208: Gentlemen Power

1207: Weird Science

1206: Smoke Weed Every Day "Wait, I'm not drunk? Well then I lost!"

1205: Whistleblower

1204: A Right Good Scrum "We're talkin' about, 'You're fuckin' my mom.'"

1203: Reduce, Reuse, Recycle "You're now up for a Keith and The Girl Award."

1202: Puppet Master "Wow. That was incredible. Best Salvia trip on the internet."

1201: Explain Yourself "I'm barbecuing naked. I can do what I want now. Freedom."

1200: The Guest House "When I fuck a cow, I think, 'Safety first.'"

1199: The Pursuit of Happiness "Save money, yeah, save money. Save money. Fuck, I wanna eat God dammit!"

1198: Bobbie Johnson "You fucked me, and a thousand repo-men with a thousand tow-trucks can never take that back."

1197: Ass to Mouth "It's a poison in your house, this fuckin' washcloth."

1196: I Don't "This ain't no Day Late Dollar Short Tour, baby. Get on board, 'cause the steamboat's leavin' on time."

1195: Chicken Soup for the Dick "Fate happens for a reason."

1194: No Apologies "Did you play the skin flute?"?

1193: Totes Inappropes "I'm really trying to save you time. We're never gonna be friends."

1192: Put 'Em Up "I want everybody to know this wasn't my idea. I had no problem holding a camera; I'm just saying this wasn't necessarily my idea."

1191: The Morning After "I don't owe you anything. My life is more important than your entertainment."

1190: A Whole New World "He can be Lawrence of my labia."

1189: Cunt "Don't be a cunt if you don't wanna be called a cunt!"

1188: Hoodlums "I need to do what I need to do."

1187: Fuck Yeah; Suck Yeah "I'm gonna twitter my cum. Wha ya think a that?"?

1186: Cat Power "This angst that you have is from you!"?

1185: Double Down "He told me what ya did!"

1184: Madagascar "I actually choose the way I eat according to the way animals have sex."

1183: Model Citizen "Keith with shoes on is like Pamela Anderson not showing her chest."

1182: Acid Comedy "I think I hate a fourth of my audience. They're fuckin' idiots!"

1181: Liars & Friends "Myq proposed to Myka."

1180: Punk'n Pie "This show is for Americans first, above all!"

1179: Artsy Fartsy "I don't like Chemda's attitude lately."

1178: BOP! "Mercury? I don't even know Hermes."

1177: Cheese with Your Whine? "Jesus Fuckin' Christ, how dumb are you?! FUUUCK!!!"

1176: Higher Learning "I'm just saying what I heard."

1175: Toilet Parts "I think I'm gonna feed my kids lead paint as a favor."

1174: Transformers "I'm sorry if my appearance offended you in any way."

1173: Danny Lobell Me Once... "Every time you've been on my show, you're lying to me."

1172: Danny's Last Show "I think Danny is going to die."

1171: The Very Best of Keith and The Girl "I had a friend that was a Nazi."

1170: Get Over It "86% of people are okay with what I have done."

1169: Rush "They show this rape scene, and I masturbated to it."

1168: The Key of Awesome "I'm willing to fight you for charity."

1167: Tattoo You "You're not as nice as you think, and, with all sincerity, you should look into that."

1166: America Fuck Yeah! "I made a difference today! I burned a flag in the woods!"

1165: Sound Off "Don't you see the difference between people laughing at you and laughing with you?"

1164: HUH?! "I stopped listening to this episode the instant that retarded shit that fell out of Keith's mouth twenty minutes in."

1163: Sign Mr Up "It's a very big day for people who like weed."

1162: I Got a Globe! "Did you just Internet threaten me?!"

1161: Hide and Seek "He had his dick out, yelled, "I'm a helicopter. Jean-Claude Van Damme."

1160: In Da Club "We're the only white people in here! Holy shit! We can get beat up any time! This is awesome!"

1159: The Awkward Comedy Show "I'm white, and I disagree!"

1158: Bad Boy of Comedy "You ever fuck a girl with her own tits?"

1157: Pants on Fire "I'm gonna chalk it up to maybe the bald guy is having a massive period."

1156: Sowwy "Don't take all this jovial humor as though I were not riled up. I am thoroughly riled up today, I'll tell you."

1155: Size Matters "We got to gifts I've gotten from hookers."

1154: Shit Disturber "Go have yourself a loaf!"

1153: Moody "She better be there, this bitch!"

1152: The Daily American "This is old school Somerset passive-aggressiveness."

1151: Somebody's Watching Me "Your ears bleed after talking to her because you strain so hard. And I think I've said yes to a lot of things I probably shouldn't have."

1150: Inside The Woman "What do you think about this idea: The Strap-On Asshole?"

1149: Home-o-phobia "Are you on some sort of prescribed medication, unprescribed medication, illicit drugs or one too many intoxicating drinks?"

1148: Dare to Dream "They're gonna take your baby away."

1147: Ball-Staplin' Good "Keith and Chemda's collection of the books - so brilliant my balls look like Swiss cheese."

1146: Fat and The Whore "omgz keeth and the gilr are piesus of shit."

1145: Blindsided "Thank God for Nazis."

1144: The Blob "I like hanging with Keith, but I'm just afraid he'll make a poll about me."

1143: New and Notable "Get out! Go to Anger Management Training."

1142: Uplifting "And that's how I almost had butt sex."

1141: What Do We Do Now? "How do I get my girlfriend to douche?"

1140: No Respect "Somebody knows about my cracked glass!"

1139: Truth in Comedy "Everyone started laughing, and I got raped in the ass and the mouth."

1138: Five Years Down "God bless America. And the authors of this book."

1137: The 76-Hour Podcast "How we doing on time?"

1136: The Waste Monster "Honey, come here. Whip out your tits. Show Nick."

1135: Authors "Hey, I'm having trouble with this Rape!"

1134: Rape! "Shit is too crazy now. You get some girl in your car, next thing you know you're in fuckin' prison for four years."

1133: Be Human "Do you know what happened in your life just now? A porn!"

1132: Pledge Your Allegiance "Are penises disgusting?"

1131: Homeland Security "I'm gonna put a Tolerable Curse on you. Beanbag! Beanbag!"

1130: Really, Keith? "Free for all, kids. Bring your guns to school; bring your markers."

1129: Cerebral "Just get me off and leave me out of it."

1128: Too Fat to Fly "Did your dad touch his tongue to your penis?"

1127: Stereo Crazies "Self-esteem is on the Dollar Menu."

1126: Jambalaya "I feel like a piece of shit."

1125: Oh Boy "Is it wrong that I want to look at your asshole?"

1124: Let's Put It This Way "Now you know. I'm a freak."

1123: Here We Go "I always got punched as a kid. I never understood it."

1122: Diane's Breasts "I think my uncle just raped me."

1121: The Tits "You want to talk to me like you're a basic bitch, then cool."

1120: Love Your Pet "What do I gotta do? Be under my bed fuckin' a cat?"

1119: I See You "I'm gonna mix it in my mouth."

1118: Who Farted? "90% of people say Mark Sanchez is a douche bag."

1117: Sign Here "You had to be a little bit of a bitch, huh? Right on, man. Now you know who we are."

1116: iKATG "Keith and The Girl has its fiftieth (50) body modification."

1115: Bad Little Boy "I put a baby in the dishwasher."

1114: Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout? "When is it appropriate to lie under the forks of a forklift truck?"

1113: Sexpert "I'm gonna cut the motherfucker's index finger off."

1112: King Arthur's Court "I was attempting to be serious, but you're unteachable."

1111: I Want to Kill You "I am definitely not blowing up the airport."

1110: Don't Touch the Talent "I think it was out of my system when I fucked you in my dad's church."

1109: Communication Breakdown "I tried to get everything to bite me. A dog... I thought I'd be The Wolfman."

1108: Who Needs Dead "Stop punching me in the nads!"

1107: We are at War! "I'm the healthiest in this room. I promise you."

1106: 2nd Annual KATGuh Award Winners "Just like you, I'm another Little Baby Faggot."

1105: Toilet Humor "For a guy with one ball, this guy has a lotta guts."

1104: Everything You Need to Know About Women "I'm trying to sleep with you. I don't know you. Is that disgusting?"

1103: Giving a Flying Fuck "You can't be crackin' no keg if you ain't hittin' no forty."

1102: Psycho Competitive "The only way I can lose is if I don't win."

1101: 2nd Annual KATGuh Awards "I know I'm being recorded!"

BEGINNINGS 36: Potluck 195: Tattletales (BEGIN-17:00) New Year's, wine anxiety, Dick Clark, and the prodigal Chemda visits her folks. 165: The Girl, M.D. (14:30-36:30) Keith's quaint little teen rebellion, the subtle distinction between farts and faaahts, mixing fun pills with funner booze, and WifeSwap. 170: In The Barrio (41:00-54:00) Some Curry controversy, and a drunken night out with The Grabber. 173: Free Booze (25:30-32:45) Dead mouse in the tub, and Chemda takes a trip at the dentist's. 175: How to Kill Your Baby (37:00-46:30) Family planning for shitheads. 178: Find Keith a Job (39:00-48:15) Patrice d...

BEGINNINGS 35: Retail Fail 163: $$$ (22:45-28:10) Outing Sulu, and a listener lends his time to get TGAN printed. 168: Venus and My Cock (35:30-41:30) The sad state of West Coast cuisine. 171: Rockstar (BEGIN-8:30) Los Angeles: Great wrecks, piss-poor Hooters. 176: Apology Accepted (BEGIN-23:00) Apology Monday. Reflections on a shit night out at Jekyll & Hyde, the Dreadtone CD release party and Keith among the hippies, live comedy, and the BroLo syndrome. 188: Encore (3:15-38:30) Johnny Rockets, In & Out, co-op gripes, laptops and laptop crashes, RadioShack has no answers, mic hygiene. 193: Spooky Visits (54:30-1...

BEGINNINGS 34: A Lotta Spunk 175: How to Kill Your Baby (BEGIN-30:00) Patrice's job gets weird...er. More from the fascinating career of hooker booking. 185: I Have a Bomb (35:30-42:00) Britney makes decent jerk-fodder. 186: Love Letters (39:30-54:00) Brad's breakup letter and more relationship origins. 191: So Sue Me (18:45-26:50) Jizz on the carpet, and jizz from above. 192: Cinnamon Bread (2:30-4:30) A brief follow-up from the goo bombardier.

BEGINNINGS 33: Mary the Cunt 195: Tattletales (17:00-41:45) Keith lands an office temp job, and has a bad first day... 196: Revenge (0:30-13:15, 42:30-46:00) ...a worse second day... 197: Mission Accomplished (BEGIN-0:45, 13:30-30:05) ...but a triumphant third and final day.

BEGINNINGS 32: Hitting the Pavement 177: It's Not Me, It's You (7:30-30:00) A critique of the film "Fever Pitch" lapses into a discussion of Boston, ex-girlfriend Kara, and marathon tomfoolery. 178: Find Keith a Job (BEGIN to 34:00) Keith goes temporarily insane, and think he's a douchey morning jock. Topics include interns, money trouble, maid service, job hunting, resumes, and Chemda's chealing chands. 181: Finish Her! (33:15-41:15) The One-Eyed Jedi strikes again. 184: How to Build a Resume (7:00-22:00) Keith's trip to the job fair.

BEGINNINGS 31: Crappy Holidays 191: So Sue Me (43:30-44:45) Christmas re-gifting. 189: Three's Company (BEGIN-8:15) Holiday plans, stamps, and the Old Man wants to sparkle the co-op. 193: Spooky Visits (23:30-54:30) Kwanzaa at the mall, social experimentation on the subway, visiting Keith's brother for Xmas, game night, and family reminiscing. 190: Sexual Content (22:45-26:00) A little gift advice for the love struck. 194: The Desires of Desirée (BEGIN-26:30) Patrice's Xmas, and how to shop for gifts at the mall with the very ones for whom you're shopping. 218: Cool (14:45-16:45) The very anticlimactic post-scrip...

BEGINNINGS 30: Sorry, Larry (Expo, Part Two) 171: Rockstar (29:15-50:45) More convention talk, and Chemda runs into an old flame. 174: Smell the Roses (27:15-38:30) The rather interesting story of podcaster Corby of The Twisted Pickle lapses into infidelity talk. 184: How to Build a Resume (22:00-30:00) Podshow wants you to QYDJ, and all it costs is your eternal soul. 173: Free Booze (BEGIN-25:30) Pilfering beverages from all the expo parties, and that BroLo guy again.

BEGINNINGS 29: Expo, Part One 168: Venus and My Cock (BEGIN-15:15, 20:00-34:00) From Venice, CA. Keith and Chemda dangerously set up all their gear in the hotel room to bitch about the flight out. Keith does some crippled dancing at a Bat Mitzvah, and SpongeBob meets a one-eyed pirate. 169: Nice to Know Ya, California (BEGIN-17:45) Having had a chance to absorb a first impression, Keith and Chemda talk about LA, meet some fans, and discuss Drinker's Dumps, post offices and politics. 171: Rockstar (8:30-27:30) Expo, redux. Keith calls some shit-talkers out, and meet Dawn and Drew. The Grabber breaks down the tech exhibit...

BEGINNINGS 28: My Mom Would Be So Proud 188: Encore (38:30-40:30) Chemda meets a pretty girl at the airport. 181: Finish Her! (7:30-24:30) Chemda and "Miss X" go for a late night massage. 189: Three's Company (12:15-27:30) "Quizzical in Queens" wants to know how to manage a menage. 190: Sexual Content (11:15-23:00) All about hittin' the ass, and Keith's little friend. 183: Business Solutions (15:00-22:30) Chemda turns thirty, and contemplates her new sexual maturity. 190: Sexual Content (39:45-47:30) More back door action, and getting caught in the act.

BEGINNINGS 27: Johnsons, Greenwich, Dickheads 164: Lo Ya-Fe (5:00-38:00) Classic Clown Monday, featuring Double Dare in a padded room in Connecticut, and the Genesis of Glitter Revenge. 167: Movin' On Up (30:00-46:00) Chemda encounters a group of fragrant pop 'n lockers, and does a Glamour Girl diva-job in a diva-room with no electrical diva-outlets. 180: Idiot Box (1:00-6:00) Keith parties with some young paint-huffers. 186: Love Letters (8:00-23:00) Keith gets promoted to Red Wiggle, experiences more gratuity weirdness, and phones in a pirate job.

1100: Leave It Alone 'Can't grab a dick with a backhand.'

1099: Instant Message "Does Jonas like cottage cheese?"

1098: Dance Party "I'll punch you in the fuckin' mouth if you're 18!"

1097: A+ "He had to be rougher with me, and I would have fucked him."

1096: Funny Stuff "We're gettin' too old for pussy paintin'."

1095: How to Be a Vampire "Don't be a fuckin' jerk off! This place is fuckin' Party Central!"

1094: Jerk Off McGoo "Just want to suck each other off and get some work done."

1093: Jerk Off from Way Back "A dude punches a girl in the face, and I wasn't necissarily on her side."

1092: In the Bushes “You hold the door open for the world forever; you’re never gonna get inside.”

1091: Good Morning! "Sometimes the show makes you discover what a fuckin' retard you are."

1090: How Good Was I? "He was LOLing all over his stomach."

1089: Disowned "Somebody always wants to jerk off in something."

1088: Father of the Year "In court they actually talked about Brumski."

1087: Paris Hilton for President "People hate me."

1086: Rules of Engagement "I'm not done with you yet. Not by a long shot!"

1085: #3 "Tonight I'm gonna fuckin' suck ya."

1084: Unfriend "You're on my Not Allowed list!"

1083: Snake Eyes "I'll let a girl know before she's about to go down on me that way it's not a surprise."

1082: Game Over "I don't care! You're not sucking me in!"

1081: Excellence in Adequacy "Your marriage is based on a lie already."

1080: Respect My Privacy "The teachers tell me to put the baby under my seat. That's ridiculous!"

1079: The Real Dough Face 'I can't even anymore.'

1078: Magic Underwear "I actually considered taking my own life."

1077: I'm Happy "Don't cut yourself unless it's from a good place."

1076: Perverted Justice "Ovaries, much?"

1075: Forever More "You know what? She should be fearful of her life."

1074: I'm Not Your Mother 'I bet you she has nothing nice to say about you, and you fucked her ten times.'

1073: Yo Soy Demasiado Inteligente "You guys jerk off on webcams and stuff now?"

1072: A Killer Surprise "Don't even answer the door..."

1071: Champions 'Pedro Martinez looks like a koala fucked a retard.'

1070: oooOOOooo Scaaarry... "I know you won't eat me."

1069: Potato Dick "I will drink all the shit out of my butt."

1068: Who Got Game? "Are you a whore?"

1067: On Air "I like him a lot. This hurts me."

1066: In This Economy "This is very offensive to the room. I know you're just half-retarded. And so you're forgiven."

1065: You Said It "Peace, love and Keith and The Girl."

1064: Help Wanted "Whose penis is that?"

1063: The Falcon Has Landed "I'm gonna be upset about this, and at the same time really happy."

1062: I Got Your Number "I'm very appalled. I didn't understand. I thought that you'd treat us with respect and dignity."

1061: Come Again? "He ain't wrong, but he ain't right."

1060: Information Overload "You're putting your penis in his daughter's vagina."

1059: Daddy Dearest "I just got off the phone with your dad, Chemda, and he says you're lying."

1058: The Toilet Paper Diaries "I tell you everything. Just some things you can't fuckin' handle."

1057: For My Eyes Only "You were gonna watch us having sex. It was kinda kinky, kind of interesting."

1056: The Nightmare "This is a girl laying on the floor, and you stomped on her."

1055: Never Have I Ever "Nobody's leaving this alive."

1054: I'm Not an Asshole "I'm gonna fight this guy!"

1053: Family Values "Have a sense of humor, Shithead."

1052: Get Smart "Don't do acid or mushrooms in an artist's house."

1051: Bear the Shame "You're not the prick cocksucker that was on Keith's DVD after all."

1050: Cum Together "Act like a man! Cum like a man!"

1049: Womp Womp "Why do you do drugs in front of your kids?"

1048: The Mamas & the Papas "Be careful! Mom just discovered Google!"

1047: Hell-A "I hate doing this talk show! I hate it!"

1046: Chicken Fucker "Justice runs on Little Baby Faggot Time."

1045: Oh God, Where Art Thou? "Your lips are a hot dog bun. Want a picnic? I'll bring the meat. Also you're a whore I met on 18th street."

1044: The Greatest "I do have to say something though about the new intern. This is gonna hurt feelings."

1043: Twitterific "Which brings me to my next question: Will you get totally nude for $130? That would be pretty wild. Wild and affordable."

1042: Better Than You "You're a shit-box. How can I be clearer?"

1041: The Love Experience "I was nuts, and I was an asshole."

1040: The Branding "I do like to get hurt."

1039: Celebrity Robots "Ever wake up with your foot in the toilet?"

1038: Five-Finger Discount "I'm gonna fuck way more cancer patients than you before the year is over."

1037: A Perfect World 'You both deserved each other! I'm glad you made each other's lives Hell!'

1036: Little Baby Faggot Returns "Alright, I gotta go suck dick now. You behave."

1035: Neil Baxter "Only assholes get MS."

1034: Sticky Fingers "I'm about to beep all over myself."

1033: 21 and Over "It feels like they're stealing my farts."

1032: Slide It In "I really don't know if I have something in my ass or not."

1031: Wordplay "I'm not the same guy I was a year ago."

1030: Bang a Dong "Fuck you! I fuck your sons! I fuck your daughters!"

1029: Respect the Gun "Come on over, guys. I got a gun."

1028: Period Break "It's Keith vs. Chemda now. You wanted it!"

1027: Party Hard "I really should just beat the fuck out of you."

1026: Ass Frenzy "Just a simple jerk-off. Who knew?"

1025: Sabotage "First time I've been offended by the show."

1024: Skanks a Lot "I can, without slander, call him homosexual."

1023: Speaking of Gay "I'm an advanced man, and I like to do it in the ass."

1022: General Coonery "If I'm embarrassing me, I'm embarrassing you."

1021: Brillo Pad Lovin' "Keith is belittling someone after he talked about tearing his dick with a Brillo Pad."

1020: Count Me In "Shit, I'm pretty fuckin' gay..."

1019: Black Comedy "Jesus Christ, can't you lighten up for five fuckin' minutes?!"

1018: Gay in the Back "Your mommy sucked my dick for two dollars."

1017: Clickity Clack Bitches "Get the fuck out the way, Nana."

1016: Cold Hearted Snake "There's no way to win is the answer."

1015: Making Boys Cry "My fists are thirsty for Ray's balls."

1014: 5 Stars "Tell me who your friends are, and I will tell you what you are like."

1013: Mother Fuckers "Drama will be soon."

1012: I'll Fight You "You apparently have never been ninja-fucked."

1011: The Unforgiven "I will not let a shit-head offend me."

1010: Stage Fright "This is a drunk sudden movement venue."

1009: Getting Spooked "I don't have a problem with sleeping with a lot of comedians."

1008: Big Pimpin' "I'll be back later 'cause you like to beat people."

1007: Throwdown at the County Fair "They pay you for this crap. It's amazing. God bless 'em."

1006: Salty Biscuit "I've had an olive in my ass."

1005: 1-900-HAHA-FUCK "I'm very in touch with Me."

1004: Goo Goo G'joob "I'm not alone. But you know that don't mean I'm not lonely."

1003: 1-800-FUCK-YOU "I lost my shit."

1002: An Awart Winning Show "Two days notice, and Keith will do whatever you want."

1001: Awesome "I'm a fuckin' animal, and all I do is fight."

999: Have a Nice Life "You're gonna sue the child for blowing your husband..."

998: Into the Fire "Now I'm about to violate your trust."

997: Flying Pussy "Don't Palin Me."

996: Turn the Page "It was the beginning of the end."

995: Boom Boom Boom "Is this against the law if your baby like looks over here for a second?"

994: Twenty Questions "Let's get a few things straight."

993: Your Line of Questioning "If you want to know who your real enablers are: It's your listeners."

992: Keith is a Drunk "One boring fucking day at a time..."

991: Burger War "He brought like Hot Pockets to The Greatest Chefs in the World Competition."

990: If You Can't Stand the Heat 'All my friends are lying to me!'

989: Die, Michael Jackson, Die!!! "It was too soon when you touched my children!"

988: Robot Drinking Problems "Somebody kill me today. It's not gonna get better."

987: I Love You "I'm the fuckin' meltin' pot, A-fuck!"

986: The Atheist Club "If you are going to pay for sex it better be dirty because at home: the laundry is folded."

985: The Dragon Returns "For those of you who no longer wish to honor who I am and what I do, I truly wish you death."

984: Monkey Business "Your backyard is where I vacation! How ya like that?!"

983: Genuine "She vaginad her way into the position."

982: For Love or Money "I wanna fuck a girl who I put it in her ass and she doesn't even turn around to see who it is."

981: Seeing the Light "I think we might owe you an apology, actually."

980: Choke-take "Let's get back to the story: He tells me to cum on his face..."

979: Beer Hug "Time to go out raping, I guess."

978: Let's Go Pittsburgh! "I'm the kid you jerked off, you fuckin' son of a bitch."

977: Our Four Cents "This isn't a town that says, 'Keep the change.'"

976: Frienemy "Kiss my dick, Spooky!"

975: Burns and Allen "Everything looks sexy. She has no control."

974: Dream On "It's not a very nice show."

973: Evolution of Man "It ain't no note-takin' faggot baa! It's a drinkin' baa!"

972: Worse Than Hitler "We are a team! You hate who I hate!"

971: Awkward "Sometimes you gotta put your penis places."

970: You've Been Duped "It's like I'm fuckin' me!"

969: Define "No" "Don't go to the dildo store when you're horny."

968: Praise be Allah "Don't pull me into this."

967: Hot Dog Revenge "My life would be over if I was allowed to say whatever I could say."

966: If Charming Means Cunty "It's never good to throw things at gang members."

965: American Bad Ass "Two thumbs down, and two middle fingers up."

964: Why Jews Eat Sand "Do you understand how sad this is, ladies?"

963: The Shed "Go home, and quit touching each other."

962: Is This Thing On? "I partied even crazier the next night to the point where like my knees are like bloody-colored and bruises and..."

961: Heckler "That is when your and F-MOS' advice came to mind. She was suddenly feeling doubts, so I just whipped my dick out."

960: How'd You Get Your Accent? "I'm the undisputed all-time champion comedy king comedy!"

959: LOLz "I happen to be the crossover nigger of America."

958: Drinking Buddies "Tell me what level of a scumbag I am."

957: Enjoy Yourself "I can't explain my disease."

956: Titties and Blood "I think you were high on whiskey."

955: Entitlement "When you're aware of the world, it makes your heart cry."

954: I Shit on You "Are you gonna swear again, you stupid bitch?"

953: Mouth Breathers "What the fuck are y'all laughin' at, man?"

952: Shine a Light "You think you can just not answer the phone call? You have to answer the phone call now!"

951: MC Mr. Napkins "Keith, I'm gay, and that's my brother I'm trying to fuck."

950: Sexperiments "Shit talkers don't get to decide when the shit talking ends."

949: Winner Winner Chicken Dinner "You have no sense."

948: Like a Girl "Once in awhile you have to go out and fuck somebody else."

947: Thug Life "Was she able to fuck the whole collection?"

946: Solid Bits "If you're not uncomfortable, you're not a comedy fan."

945: Baby Shaker "If you can put up drywall you're in."

944: Deviance "Have I hit a woman before? Hell yeah."

943: For Shits and Giggles "Stop spreading rumors about me!"

942: Eye of the Beholder "I'm the only person with human decency!"

941: The Crippler "I know you're fucking lying!"

939: Merit "If you could stop talking about me that'd be fuckin' FANTASTIC!"

938: The Brothers 'We have some more vomiting tonight. What's going on?'

937: Nerd Rage 'My logic can break you down.'

936: Extra Gravy "Keep eating your shit!"

935: Bad EYEdeas "I got shot in the face."

934: Me Talk Pretty "I maybe not say this but if the Keith is not good to you and go to away from him. I would love the you."

933: WrestleMania XXV "I shit me drawers."

932: Not in My House "If Intern punches me in the face: so be it."

931: Act a Fool "Maybe you're scared of what you don't understand, because I understand everything."

930: Silver Dragon "I love Lying Day."

929: Believe It or Not! "You must have the rustiest asshole this side of the Mississippi."

928: How to Be Friends "I'm a Butt Sex Pioneer. I'll take it for $5.95."

927: Just Not That Into You "Why do you cut yourself?"

926: Rules and Regulations "Keith is a bigger pussy than I thought."

925: Banana, Banana "This heart didn't come with instructions."

924: Vagina Lip Punching "'Fuck' is okay. 'Cunt' is okay. I think we're ready."

923: The Ultimate Pleasure "Show that you're a little dirty bitch."

922: Never Be a Victim "You told me to be more assertive, so I beat the shit out of kids."

921: Mental 'You're an idiot mom. That's why you have an idiot kid.'

920: Fuuuuccck Yoouu!!! "I'm writing to tell you that I've been teetering this way and that over whether or not to continue listening."

919: Keith vs. Chemda "Oh, let's get it on!"

918: Dan vs. Jesse "This is like, literally, it has to be one of the dumbest - if not the dumbest - thing I've ever done."

917: Queer as Folk "I'm nicer than all you fake fucks. Fuck you."

916: Keith's Mommmmm "What's your job besides not having babies?"

915: In Hot Water "Why couldn't you leave well enough alone?"

914: Comics Strip "It was nice talking to you. Now let's never talk again."

913: Four Years Down "If we have cloning, I would clone you and then murder both of you."

912: Mo' Money "How much money do you have in your bank right now?"

911: Working Well with Others "He listened to the show, and now does not speak to me."

910: The Parent Trap "You've been shaming the family since you were nine?"

909: Acting! "I don't believe in baking. I never did."

908: Keith and The Girls "I will not be a victim!"

907: Gag Me "He looks at me and goes - and I quote: 'What have you done lately?'"

906: Tit for Tat "Who's to say we don't want to just show our tits and need a good excuse?"

905: Connect the Dots "Nothing's ever sick enough for the Asians."

904: Get the Funk Out "He's not gonna try something. I'll punch him in the mouth."

903: What's Yours is Mine "Let's just say I've been kind of a mess lately."

902: Too Clever "You've made a very big mistake."

901: Tee Time "Pen in your eye!"

900: Lez Be Friends "You know you're gonna get a lot of shit for this, right?"

899: Real Talk "I get it; you got AIDS. Let's play some music."

898: How Much is That Asshole in the Window? "It's not like I never had ass sex before. Let's be clear and honest."

897: The Show-ers "I've got twenty dollars if you're bored and wanna kill anyone."

896: Intent to Distribute (John DeForest Petrie) "You go to KeithandTheGirl.com right now: there is video where something shitty is going on. And maybe literally."

895: Know Your Shit "That is gonna be just a horrible day when you figure shit out."

894: The Reaping "Every time I act, this guy's pointing a fucking camera at me!"

893: Vote Me "Let's see if Patrice is an idiot."

892: Shout It Out Loud "I'm gonna kick your ass!"

891: Drink the Fat "You got something to say to this prick?!"

890: Yes We Can "Now you can check asshole without you turning into an animal yourself!"

889: Mantrums "I knew I was onto something. Who do I sue?"

888: The Simple Life "What are you most disappointed in her about?"

887: Dear Intern 'I truly apologize for anything and everything. I am the only one at fault here.'

886: Love & Happiness "I think you're a dildo, and not the kind I want in my vagina. I wasn't staring at you, you self-conscious douche."

885: The Royal Rumble "I really want you to just bang a chair over her face."

884: Drunken Negro Faces "If you're lookin' for asshole, you're gonna find asshole."

883: In Session "You can't Jew me down when I'm talkin' about suckin' bear dick."

882: God Bless "Thank you for helping me be a better person."

881: Give and Take 'The challenge is basically to prove Keith wrong.'

880: Bad to the Bone "You're being a little bitch 'cause you're not looking at me."

879: Sober Living "I like women the same way I like my coffee. I don't like coffee."

878: Bromance "Someone starts blowing me, and I don't know who it is."

877: Fuck-Like "Oh my God! You too, Adam?!"

876: For Medicinal Purposes Only "I got your medicine..."

875: Pussification "Good morning, mother fucker."

874: Poop Culture "Their own god can't even milk itself."

873: The Greatest Story Ever Told "Are you friends with Bill?"

872: 1st Annual KATGuh Award Winners "Don't masturbate hard; masturbate smart."

871: 4"Stud "I'm gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job."

BEGINNINGS 26: Bougie Tag-Up -157: Jani Lane - Tons of grafitti, everywhere. Like, EVERYWHERE. But these two get caught. -160: Adam Visits - Adam Brown goes to town like a big fat clown with his underpants down. His first appearance. Fuckin' up apartments, bank fees, dental gripes, tag-up stories, Prussian Blue, the first appearance of a very famous game, and the infamous bear attack story. A classic episode, with very little to waste. -162: Keith on Vicodin - A few candid post-show moments with Adam and Craig Klein about One-Eyed Davis and life back in the day.

BEGINNINGS 25: Please Continue to Fuck Dane Cook Some More, Maybe Even Harder -147: Learning Curve - The Dane Cook interview debacle begins. -152: Your Child's a Pussy - The seriosos sally forth to see some cinema. This time, the film is Waiting, with Ryan Reynolds, and (gasp) Dane Cook. -153: Fuck Dane Cook - That shit-ass joke-theiving gawky wiggly motherfuck blew them off! The fuck is that shit? -154: Days Gone By - Oops, Dane writes in to apologize. You don't think he heard, right? Plus, the Old Man wants the heat turned on. -158: Friendly Ribbing - Yep, he heard. Shit.

BEGINNINGS 24: Gimme BALLS! -150: Gay Nigga - Terrorism, Mark McGrath, and a musical interlude. -145: Doug Stanhope - The interview. -146: Phone Jerk - More on Stanhope, visiting the clinic, a call from Deuce, and how to score pills at the pharmacy.

BEGINNINGS 23: Chink Cop -148: Say You're Sorry - Somerset memories, band camp, rainbow parties. -144: Keith and The Girl's Dad - Deuce gets the drips, and Charlie bangs the sitter. -148: Say You're Sorry - Again. Baby-stabber, roommates, how to move to NY, how to survive in jail, the Pedocast, and Charlie has an altercation with the police. -149: Want Some Candy? - McNally & Charlie redux. Keith stumps the Joke Man. -152: Your Child's a Pussy - Another Charlie update, fun in traffic, strangers, Double Dare and the pussified youth of upper-middle class America.

BEGINNINGS 22: A Portrait of the Artist as a Porn Retailer -143: The Porn Shop - A letter arrives from Vancouver. -145: Doug Stanhope - McNally follows up from Source Adult Video. -146: Phone Jerk - McNally calls in. Also, a special wedding and fun on the subway. -142: Poker and DICE! - Chemda receives a flattering message, and how to behave and parties (hint: it doesn't involve eating crudites in your underpants).

870: 1st Annual KATGuh Awards "Was that the first time Chemda realized that she was dating a drunk?"

869: The O-Word "You can have some of my butt."

868: Integrity "I only became a drunk when you started drinking less."

867: Smarter Than "Quit rippin' off the fuckin' workin' man!"

866: Watch Your Kids "I just finished. Gotcha!"

865: Greater Than "You are so fuckin' jealous..."

864: Spooky 2.0 "It will be on my tombstone."

863: The Red Pen "We had to have hung out at least three times before threatening to kill me."

862: Yoink "When they're dead I can't make them cry."

861: His Image "Never been more offended..."

860: Turn it Down "If you ever just feel like yelling at me: Don't."

859: Get Over Yourself "I don't want my dick back in a knot. Just suck it."

858: No Thank You "You're better than me. The End."

857: Use Your Illusion "Where are the coloreds getting their water?"

856: For Crying Out Loud "Sometimes we have really creepy moments."

855: Nerve "I will destroy your life. I'm not kidding."

854: Hit 'Em! "Sounds a little Hate Crime to me..."

853: Act Like a Man "Get ready to punch your friend in the face."

852: Told Ya So "They have to admit that Keith Malley is nicer than Adam Curry."

851: The Ol' Switcheroo "I demand that everyone act appropriately."

850: Newsy's Twat "Here's a picture of my dick. That should tide you over."

849: The Pick-Up Artist "If someone hands you The Meaning of Life, how do you go on living?"

848: Timing is Everything "Yes, you were a jerk. Everyone hates you for what you did."

847: Baby's First Show "All your compliments offend me."

846: The Crazy and the Drunk "Can I get a party size glass of that?"

845: Keith's Friends "You're not gonna pervert our relationship."

844: City Country "You know what's in my brain right now? Fucking you, 9-year-old."

843: Grownups "You get nothing until you apologize to me!"

842: Runaway "You have the disease that I don't like to hang out with."

841: Ladies' Troubles "This is going to end badly."

840: Erection Day "The problem is your penis wasn't out."

839: Master Debater "If he's wet, he's a pedophile!"

838: Vote Obama "The phone number's open for your apology, you fuckin' bitch."

837: N.D.P.A.C. "Good comedy is based on research."

836: Breathless "Do we need to stop this?"

835: Coconut in the Garage with the Noose "You have the right to remain silent."

834: Fuckin' Hippies "I bet I could beat the ever-livin' shit out of you."

833: Max Payne "I cannot guarantee reliability, sobriety or even coherentness."

832: Don't Do Drugs "Your vagina's eatin' my dick."

831: Everyone has AIDS! "Oh my God, do you want babies?"

830: As a Kite "I was in my own glass thing. So I couldn't get out of the box. And the box kept pushin' me - maybe 'cause I'm flyin' through space like that..."

829: Back in the Saddle "If we fought, I would not be surprised."

Show 828: Live in London Check out the full video at KATG.com/live

827: Soap Hockey (Israel) "You'll say it like it is. What do you think of Israel?"

826: KATG Marathon - The Grand Finale

825: KATG Marathon - 2 Mothers 1 Gunner

824: KATG Marathon - Chris and Lori Part 3 -undefined-

823: KATG Marathon - Chris and Lori Part 2 -undefined-

822: KATG Marathon - Chris and Lori Part 1 -undefined-

821: Drill, Baby, Drill "Name one good day as a couple that we've had together."

820: Litmus Test "Raise your pizzas."

819: People Animals "He's come a long way from when he was eating shit in the bathroom."

818: Love & London "Send out your signals: Don't fuck around the Malleys' house."

817: Star Power "If you don't leave now, I will shoot you."

816: You Were Right, John Mayer 'Nice try, bitch! I know about podcasting.'

815: Disappearing Act "I'll get that baby out today."

814: Killing Me Softly "They're just hoping we don't shoot up the place."

813: My Backyard "What are the chances of my parole officer being here?"

812: Unconstitutional "The irony is you don't like you."

811: Octopus Genitalia "This is Knock Shit Outta People's Hands Area, and you're in it."

810: Everyday People "If it looks weird and smells weird, don't do it."

809: Playing Around "Chemda said I'm allowed to punch him right in the face."

808: Friends & Family "Every deal that we've gotten is because we have potty mouths."

807: Learning in Moderation "I'll burn that bridge when I come to it."

806: Skirting the Issues "Do I look like an asshole if I sit you down and explain to you how to curse? Cause holy cunt-balls..."

805: A Losing Battle "He wouldn't shake my hand in person, but now I'm gonna check his asshole cancer."

804: Sex, Pigs and Lipstick "Maybe you should have thought about that when you got knocked up near power lines."

803: Take Care of Your Own "This dog just fucked me!"

802: How to Approach Keith "You're drunk! Shut your mouth!"

801: I Blame You "I ain't talkin' about the vagina, honey."

800: That's Not Your Baby "Too approachable! I'm too good!"

799: Just Kidding "I need faces! I need faces!"

798: The King of Kings "Don't let our amusement throw you."

797: Wedding Preparations "More people need to be quiet and start diaries."

796: Where's the Line? "Get up. You're not having a panic attack."

795: Killer Comedy "It's time for me to stop being scared, and time to make others start."

794: You Ever Notice... "Why am I the representative of all things you hate today?"

793: No Offense "Never would I ever come across as a whore. And for you to suggest that is just disgusting."

792: Chinese Democracy "And to think I should be dead."

791: 18 & Life "Call ahead."

790: In It for Life 'Hey, sorry. My bad. I'm out. We're done.'

789: Love thy Neighbor "Nobody thinks there's any consequences."

788: You're Welcome "Would this make you applaud?!"

787: FTW "Adam just looks horrified right now."

786: Special Strengths "A whole bunch of sperm at once makes you tell bad puns all the time."

785: Versus "You're not sending a signal that I should start fucking your face?"

784: Fuck Carnival 'Let me tell you how I feel about THAT person...'

783: KATG Marathon - Pandejo

782: KATG Marathon - Affirmative Action

781: KATG Marathon - Hot or Not

780: KATG Marathon - World Policy

779: KATG Marathon - The Magic Number

778: Ironman Bobby "Let's have a fuckin' baby! Let's end this shit!"

777: Talk Dirty to Me "I want to work with you. Please tell me the secret of The Ancients."

776: On the Real "I've decided that I just'm gonna play you what I recorded when it happened because it's honest, and... that's what I do."

775: Battle of the Sexes 'Fuck you, God. There, I said it.'

774: Dr. Feelbad 'You're dead. I'm gonna kill you.'

773: To the Limit "I can't tell if this guy is boasting a little too much about it, or he's just amazed that he's even alive."

772: See You in Court "Tell me the bad things about me."

771: 1-800-GAMBLER "I'd eat a buddy of mine. Happily."

770: Fuck Your Country "We are so much more tolerant of you fuckers."

769: Keith's Line "Are you the retard where I need to acknowledge you or not acknowledge you?

768: KATG Marathon - Exhibit A for the Prosecution -undefined-

767: KATG Marathon - Butman Meets Soccergirl

766: KATG Marathon - Butman Begins -undefined-

765: KATG Marathon - Girls' Night -undefined-

764: KATG Marathon - Bobby Mitchell and Noemi

763: Intervention "Welcome to the club. See you in Hell."

762: Halfsies "How sad your life is, Keith... to not know love..."

761: Our Demands "You think Mevio keeps their tents? I doubt it."

760: Roommates "This is a human being? Well I gotta look that word up. 'Cause I don't think it is."

759: Country Dough Face "If you think you've heard Chemda on 11; no you haven't. You've heard her on 3. That's all you ever heard her on."

758: Head of the Class "Fuck you, England. I didn't forget."

757: Be a Man "You don't even know where you are, Big Boy."

756: The Customer is Usually Wrong 'You can't make somebody happy.'

755: Dah-Dahn Da-Dah "Your kegerator is fuckin' up my tongue."

754: The Worst Thing We've Ever Done "Nobody's tricking me anymore."

753: Tour of Booty "The Seven Year Itch is comin'..."

752: Home Sweet New York "Why do we need to give everybody a chance?"

751: The Dying and the Dead "I'm not a thief, okay? I'm a very very upstanding citizen."

750: Haterade "You're my only fuckin' truly honest friend, and for that, sir, you're forever."

749: If It Fits "This was a horrible thing I did."

748: Queers, Racists and Whores "Dick... tasted like sprinkles."

747: We Rule; They Drool "You shouldn't have a drink because you're gonna go to bed and pee yourself."

746: The 74-Hour Podcast "We just want to be in Guinness."

745: Mac Daddy "I'll tell you this, all you genius parents with your point of view..."

744: The Justice Game "If you can do me a favor and not sniff your own pussy too much in my bathroom, I'd appreciate it."

743: Million Dollar Baby "I want a baby."

742: Dream Warriors "Well, I mean, six years later I find out it wasn't the real thing..."

741: Partay! "I've always been a fat person. My whole family are fat people."

740: Judge Fatty "Keith and The Girl will fail as a show because I will shoot my listeners in the face."

739: The Trouble Card "I know I fucked him somehow. I just couldn't remember."

738: You Otter Know "Do we want to place a bet?"

737: Lights, Karma, Action "If anyone out there who's listening to this listens to that hateful piece of trash called Keith and The Girl..."

736: KATG Kills "You owe me $5. You played The Motherfucker."

735: Innocence Lost "If we were in jail, your mouth would be first."

734: Nick Starr is Gay "I haven't actually told this to anybody. Ever."

733: Positive/Negative: Real and Fake "You're not dragging me into your Above and Beyond."

732: Positive/Negative: Major League and Minor League "Then how did I get scalping tickets to your Bat Mitzvah, cunt?"

731: Positive/Negative: The Fit and The Fat "You know what tastes the best? Satisfaction."

730: McNally in a Tree "Would it be easier to sleep with her if you quit imagining that she's your sister?"

729: Black, White and Other 'You smell like rent.'

728: We Can Hear You "What the fuck is your problem, man?!"

727: How May I Curse You? "I don't use foul language, and I don't like to hear anyone else use it either."

726: Wanna Fight? "I don't mean to sound like some kind of ninja, but I controlled it."

725: Death or Destruction "To hear you say that, honestly, is a slap in the face."

724: Brother Love's Mother "He smirked at you, then came on your wife."

723: Shenanigans 'I bet there's a lot of skin under her nails.'

722: Kill the Noise "But nobody was watching the body, so I got busy."

721: Iron Woman 'I smelled my ass-pants after just to see.'

720: Lie in It 'I'll pay thirty-five bucks to fuck you.'

719: Diff'rent Strokes "It was so ridiculous that we were sitting there eating together."

718: KATG Heals "Put your hand in my wound thing!"

717: It's Not a Fight "You guys are not the easiest people to bring a fuckin' girlfriend around - right? - at all."

716: Derby!!! "Look at you: Full-On Country!"

715: Our Own Fans "If I know I'm right, you're so fuckin' wrong."

714: Kink "You're not gonna ruin my new mom for me, ladies."

713: Quitter "I'm just addicted to broken people."

712: Once a Year "This is on the air? We got this?"

711: Jesse's Girl "I made myself seem approachable, and I think that's where I went wrong."

710: Know-It-Alls "I can't explain to you, your honor, stand-up comedy."

709: Cavemen and The Girl "I did several jabs to the face and an uppercut to the face."

708: Drama Queen "Let me tell you all the secrets I know!"

707: Bonus! "I like it when I win rape scenarios."

706: Come Correct "You're gonna get a shitload of prayers comin' your way, buddy."

705: Respect "People. Aren't. Nice."

704: Making a Difference "You're a fuckin' idiot, and try to talk less at parties."

703: Infighting 'Don't be a bitch! I'm sensitive!'

702: Office Humor "When I need to bust a nut, I gotta get into the city toot sweet."

701: Southern Hospitality 'The advice you've given me has led to a bigger problem.'

700: Keith's Aspie Test 'We are now gonna see if I am an Asperger.'

699: WrestleMania XXIV "Picture the power of this midget, but with brass knuckles!"

698: Deconstructing McNally "Seriously, why do you hate me so much?!"

697: 70/30 "Keep doing your show, assholes. Your life is getting ruined."

696: Pure Evil "I hate my dad, and I couldn't take it anymore."

695: Misspoken "I'm a street nigga. You'll see me."

694: Go Directly to Jail "The cake is not a lie."

693: Holidays for Everyone "I have heart. I got the broomstick now."

692: Kids are Dumb "Laugh. It only helps me."

691: Perspective "I'm spending $300 tonight, and I'm drunk, and my liver's done."

690: Know Your Enema "Why's everybody coming to me for their enemas anyway?"

689: Good Answer "Don't be offended if you're the one giving the speech and it's Hooker Time."

688: Confessions "It was also dark, and you got pushed down by a ho."

687: Don't Call Me Fat "Nothing you say will ever put my family back together."

686: That One Percent "Did you just say my time's not fuckin' important with my fake job and fake kids?! Who the fuck are you?!"

685: Fall from Grace "Some of these adults have mentioned things to me that I feel obligated to address, for if they are true as they were described to me, I have lost a son."

684: Three Years Down "I got a gun. Happy anniversary to me."

683: Class Action "He's definitely a little delusional."

682: Jamie Hunting "I might be kind of a nightmare to date."

681: Professionalism "Are you keeping a secret that could break you two up?"

680: When to Say When "It's incredibly hard to find a chick who isn't a just great big retarded whore."

679: Keith's Glamourous Life "I'm the only person who likes you."

678: Fighting Fair "The problem wasn't so much the raping..."

677: Break Time "And I don't know if I'm like impressed with his skills or saddened that it only took the girls two drinks."

676: Blow Me "You know it's gonna get worse, right?"

675: And the Winner Isn't... 'You're gonna make me cry! Take this!'

674: Restaurant Exaggerators "Where the fuck is it a quarter a minute?"

673: The Moment of Truth "The $500,000 question: Have you killed somebody?"

672: Garson "You think these people are actually thinking straight before they go on this show?"

671: Be Nervous "You have my phone number! You coulda called me!"

670: The Helpies "I know you didn't want to get into this..."

669: Nigger 'Now you're back to Square One. You gotta keep selling your vagina on the Internet.'

668: Bad Information "Well, I may not know much about God, but I have to say we built a pretty nice cage for him."

667: Bugger! "I really think he meant I sell my daughter on the street."

666: Games "You're in the fuckin' hottest Fuck Room. This is the Keith and The Girl Fuck Room. You're blowin' it."

665: Learn to Swim "When does 'shy' mean you gotta go for my balls?"

664: Inappropriate Behavior "I would not come back for a second punch."

663: Family Portrait "And I do not want to be on this show, so I'm gonna hang up."

662: Don't Eat the Cake "Are you even listening to your inner monologue?"

661: Play to Win "Why do you have a picture of my nuts on your phone?"

660: Who Let the Dogs Out "If you're coming to my party, bring your purse. Or wallet. I don't sexually discriminate."

659: Harry Pooter "This is an insult? That's so fuckin' cool!"

658: KKKanada "Fuck you. You die."

657: The Schemes of Things "Have you ever tried or thought about killing somebody else?"

656: The Great Debaters "I told her about the show and gave her a sticker, not ever thinking it would go this far."

655: Psychic Duo "Do you think Keith is hiding pain?"

654: New Territory "Why don't you think about that for awhile?"

653: Psycho Analysis "Shut the fuck up, and stop being a little bitch."

652: The Boss' Wife "Death or drugs? Just tell me that."

651: KATG The Musical "The only diss I want to give her is disinfectant."

650: Truth to Tell "I got the crap kicked out of me by one of the American Gladiators yesterday."

649: Dead Funny 'I'm fine, and I don't mind him telling this story.'

648: Next Case "Stop making me laugh about this! It's foul!"

647: The Influenced "Is that going in the documentary? Put that in there. That's a good one."

646: Girl Power "Stop. Sit down. Write your own joke."

645: Tricks of the Trade "It's not okay until I see him cry!"

644: West Coast Pussies 'I just did that in front of all them?'

643: Visitation Rights 'We felt so bad that we fucked up. Everybody wants to die.'

BEGINNINGS 21: The In or Out Club 139: "Who's Sicker?" (September 19 '05) - Keith gets sickyboos, and Chemda wanks herself arid. (BEGIN to 6:00) 96: "Ray Visits" (July 18 '05) - Ray visits with his brother and walks straight into the third degree. Craigslist hookups, Cytherea squirts, more sick shit on the internet, and the infamous eel video. (19:00 to 33:00, with edits) 92: "Old Enough to Know Better" (July 12 '05) - A tragic suicide story in the news leads to yet another hilarious excursion into Keith's formative years. The classic red flags for suicide and drug abuse. (BEGIN to 15:00, with edits) 98: "What a Beach" (Ju...

BEGINNINGS 20: Thick Sweat 125: "What Do Blacks Want?" (August 30 '05) Keith and Chemda anticipate another fantastic clown company party. This time, it's on a boat. (26:30 to 31:30) 102: "The Aftermath" (July 26 '05) A dramatic reading from the Family Circus, what's happening in Somerset, and more tales of larceny. School is bad enough, but imagine having a parent working at the same school. (35:00 to 47:00) 126: "Sins of the World" (August 31 '05) They field some emails regarding racism and looting in the wake of Katrina. The post-company party wrap-up. (BEGIN to 25:00) 131: "Jerk This" (September 7 '05) The len...

BEGINNINGS 19: Believe the Hype 107: "Suck a Dick Wednesday" (August 3 '05) A beautiful tradition begins. Keith recounts a clown job working with Wendy The Clown and returns with an opinion on Ching Chong moms. (BEGIN to 19:00) 111: "Baby's First Blow Job" (August 10 '05) It fuckin' works, folks. Suck a Dick Wednesday works. Even for the youngest of fans. And dudes in clown pants. Almost. (BEGIN to 8:30) 110: "Technical Difficulties" (August 9 '05) Ching Chong snot customs. (10:30 to 12:30) 112: "Animals" (August 11 '05) With Patrice. Danny, with his new full-blown confidence, tries to bag himself a gossip queen on I...

BEGINNINGS 18: Conveniently Located to Many Accidents 102: "The Aftermath" (July 26 '05) - A quick lesson in handling criticism, free entertainment, and Keith and Chemda are chomping at the bit to get to their romantic anniversary getaway: Six Flags Great Adventure. How can you not wanna pinch their little cheeks? (BEGIN to 22:00, with edits) 103: "Great Adventure" (July 28 '05) - With Patrice. Six Flags Trip redux, with some distractions along the way... State Farm and Duane Reade commercials, the embryo of "e;What do we do now?,"e; the Action Park of yore, some hot, wet water park talk, thug couture, and FUNNEL CAKE! Also, Keith ...

BEGINNINGS 17: Klass Dismissed 100: "KATG LIVE!" (July 22 '05) - The groovy eccentric lovemuffins land a mention in a New York Times article about podcasting. They use the opportunity to take a few jabs at their favorite farmhouse contemporaries. (6:00 to 11:00) 120: "Fire-Breathing Assholes" (August 23 '05) - Ms. Bitch-Dog, Mr. Scrotum-Bag, and more stories of customer (dis)service. (22:30 to 32:00) 104: "Cock and Balls" (July 29 '05) - With Jason. Things are heating up in the KATG camp. Keith's standup enters rotation on XM, and the online version of the NY Times article includes an awkwardly produced video news pack...

BEGINNINGS 16: My Serioso

BEGINNINGS 15: Let it Shine, Let it Shine, Let it Shine 88: "Stick To Your Own" (July 6 '05) - Keith's Mom finds out about the podcast. (7:30 to 8:10) 116: "Duck, Duck, Uh-Oh!" (August 17' 05) - With Andrea. Sabotaging friendships, Dad the illusionist, and the Church in the Mall. (5:00 to 21:00) 135: "Behind the Scenes" (September 13 '05) - Pizza Party! The cult of the jailed celebrity, and a crap TV free-for-all. Martha, Tyra, Bonaduce, Maury, Jerry, Ricki, etc. Plus, Mo'Nique, eating habits and disorders, novel weight-loss tactics, acid reflux, prescription drugs and doctors. (4:00 to 38:00) 120: "Fire-Breathing Assholes" (August 23 '05)...

BEGINNINGS 14: A Patrice Tour de Force 85: "I Have a Black Friend" (June 30 '05) - Keith can't swim and neither can Patrice; even though she can breathe underwater a little. Yoga, sweat, hospital stories, the magic of opiates and the post-op dump. (BEGIN to 20:00) 94: "Back in the Day" (July 14 '05) - Keith, Patrice and Chemda (well, to be fair, mostly Patrice and Chemda) reminisce about their favorite TV shows growing up. (BEGIN to 7:00) 117: "Walken 2008" (August 18 '05) - Patrice gets irrigated, and everybody learns way too much about her colon. (2:00 to 9:00) 99: "Babies on Acid" (July 21 '05) - Treece chaperones her bro...

BEGINNINGS 13: Be at Ease! 84: "Drinking On the Job" (June 29 '05) - Do you have what it takes to be Somerset Dairy Princess? Filling in the gaps in the Malley family's early years, and more high-larity from the bottomless well that is Keith's upbringing. Milk, terrorism, dead dogs, Casey Kasem, professional treachery, and potential IM fuck-ups. (45:00 to 62:00) 87: "Fuckstration" (July 5 '05) - Dicking around with high school teachers, and struggling with foreign language. Keith is the Devil. Who knew? (15:00 to 24:00) 88: "Stick To Your Own" (July 6 '05) - Keith muses on racial sensitivity and critical emails, Chem...

642: Chemda Said Knock You Out "You can burn in Hell, bitch!"

641: Jeremymas "It's almost like being bisexual."

640: Sigh "You're an asshole, Keith. This is the most asshole move that you make. You're really an asshole."

639: Eurotrash "You learn to get aggressive really quickly in Europe or else you die."

638: Spring Cleaning "Did you just make cancer sexy?"

637: Right and Wrong "You will not figure this man out until you drink with him at least ten times."

636: Traditions Part 2 "Cause they were black. You can say they were black."

635: Traditions Part 1 "You dumbed down my dick."

634: A New York Christmas "You're too horny to google Keith and The Girl."

633: Rules of the Game "Leeroy, why do you always gotta do that?"

632: Friends Till The End 'All the more reason to bring back corporal punishment.'

631: Bad Angles "I have MS, and yes, I'm an asshole."

630: The Greats "They're all on my side, ya douche!"

629: My Favorite Mistake "I'm trying not to be scared of you."

628: Keith's Birthday "I can't have kids because I have cysts on my ovaries."

627: Holiday Cheer "We don't start these! Ever!"

626: Back to Work "Let me hold your wallet while I dance for you. It'll be nicer."

625: Thinking Out Loud "You never wanted to just stomp a baby?"

624: Douchebag Necessities "Remember the days they dropped babies off a cliff because it wasn't good enough?"

623: A KATG Outing "I will not be on the show, and I will not discuss any of that."

622: Hog Hunting "All you're doing is sending her home to cry."

621: Bros Before Hos 'Do you wanna talk about buttplay?'

620: Sexpectations "Hello. You're dead."

619: Foreign Affairs "Hey, fuck you assholes, it's time for Armchair Kid Nation!"

618: You're Fired! "I'm sorry, it was balls. You're fired."

617: Bear and The Girl "It's go time, Lord."

616: Castrating Spooky "Words hurt N-words."

615: Professional Journalism "I let people call me Dog for my life. You think I'm swift, Larry?"

614: Reverend Lawrence Florman "We switched to gin, Dad and I."

613: Fakers "Don't call him a pussy. He came to shit, he shat, he's done."

612: Stupid Americans "I bet if you were my boyfriend you'd help me all the time."

611: A Taste of Hate "I wish my audience was robots. That's the irony."

610: Doggin' the Competition "We don't mean that shit. But America would think we mean that."

609: Dum Dums "'Oh no, people are wiping my ass. That's horrendous.' I think I've earned it! 'Start wipin'.'"

608: On the Road Again "Pick a fuckin' side, women!"

607: Upper East Side "Live Free or Die. And you guys chose die."

606: B.J. and the Beer "Tell me what I'm supposed to feel, Keith."

605: Picking Sides "I did feel like when I ate it it was made with a hard-on."

604: Fat Enabler 'You said you weren't gonna go there, and you did.'

603: Reunited "The sincerity of your shit is amazing."

602: Pulling Out "I was worried that I wouldn't get a boner, and then she would be insulted."

601: As Bitch is to Cunt "'Member when crazy made sense?"

600: Jesse Joyce 'I got ten days to give a fuck.'

599: Power Position "So he's watching you jerk off."

598: The Dissing Game "How do you get into someone's butthole like that?"

597: Everything for Dummies "You want to eat his asshole; now you're on the side of guns."

596: Kids Talk "I ride a long bus, and my shit stinks!"

595: How to Make It "Finally a Canadian I hate."

594: Everyone Poops "I shit my pants out of choice."

593: Parental Guidance "We say that to our ladies and horses."

592: God Opens a Window 'There's too many cameras. You're fuckin' me. You're dead.'

591: A Hero's Departure 'You don't even have to kill people to make a difference.'

590: Emotional Wreck "You beat your horse gay!"

589: A Hero's Return 'I learned it's fun to let other people learn.'

588: We Win! "Tonight we settle all family fuckin' debts"

587: In Country "They're gonna analyze the video and find out who farted and fire them."

586: License to Drive "Your son has autism. And only your beautiful tits can save him."

585: Nerd Holocaust "We are no longer friends."

584: Backstage "I'm very logical. I'm scientific. I will break you down. I'm mathematical."

583: Shit Talking "I messed up. I didn't slash the."

582: Playing Yourself "I'd date the shit outta you, Patrice."

581: Rock of Love? "Do you think after Chemda and I break up the show can still work?"

580: :-) "Do we have to be naked?"

579: Knowledge is Power 'I gotta say, between your mouth and your hairy bush...'

578: The Gun Show "A handicap ain't got nothin' on me."

577: Crybabies "Who can think of 9/11 at a time like this?"

576: Dinner Conversation "Brother Love, why did you tell her? It was supposed to be a secret."

575: The End of the World "There's no such thing as in a good way with a hippie."

574: The Shitbox "There's radio shows all over the fuckin' dial. Who gives a shit?"

573: Imagine "Is it a hard thing for you guys to bring your own chair? BYOC."

572: Keith's New Job "He made me into his balls."

571: Trust Issues "Every time I said, 'show me titties,' I saw titties."

570: The Con 'What came first: the bully or the nerd?'

Show 569: Live in Atlanta www.KATG.com/live

568: Monster-in-Law "Who says that? I think the Devil says that. I think that's the only person that says that."

567: Abuse "Well, personally, my friends and I, we know exactly where the United States is on our map."

566: God's Will "And I'll tell you this: It will not be podsafe."

565: Challenge! "Are you a retard, or am I an asshole?"

564: Lovers, Fighters "That's why this and my brother should both be in jail."

563: When White is Wrong "She looks like sucky sucky dollar."

562: F-MOS "Let me feel single in this porta potty."

561: Another Friend Lost? "And then we got naked and put something in me."

560: Reverse Snobbery "'I can't believe you shared this.' Well you shouldn't have done it!"

559: Clean and Sober "On bringing uh... uh... liquid refreshment: no liquor, no wine, no beer in any form."

558: The Price is Right "I see what you're doing, Keith. Don't do it."

557: Locked Up "Jail did not tame you, and I like to see that!"

556: The Heat is On "Why would I go into a situation where I'm kind of surprised I wasn't arrested?"

555: Eat My Class "And these people are watching you on your knees?"

554: Public Indecency "People don't understand my trials!"

553: Behavior Analysis "Your marshmallow fat fuck is getting too big! Calm down!"

552: Eau de Whore "She's jerking you off with her shin?"

551: Talking to Strangers "The maggots eat away the diseases and your penis."

550: Survivors "It's like Keith and I went to like a marriage counseling weekend."

549: Whore Etiquette "I'm not a whore, you bastard!"

548: Dumb Mouth "Ain't nobody in this room Voldemort. Own it."

547: Kill Yourself 'Alright this is it. Parked my car. I wish everyone who ever was nice to me well. See you in the next life.'

546: Crazy Mike "Admit to yourself you're powerless."

545: Dead Zone "Doesn't everybody understand that Keith is sensitive?"

544: Team Drunk Ottawa "You just picture 'em walkin' around that whole country like dummies."

543: Manic-Depressive "Tyrone pissed in the bed last night."

542: The Simpsons Movie "Aughh, I don't want that bony hug."

541: I'm Adorable "Great news for members of PodShow."

540: Lateral Thinking "I swear to God if I see you guys make out again..."

539: What Smart People Do "Everybody caught a case of ninth grade."

538: Pull Over "Rhian, did I kiss you?"

537: How Canada Cheated "Not a nicer fuckin' country."

Show 536: Live in Canada KATG.com/live

535: Rellek in the City "Nobody was thinking about you, Keith Malley."

534: Rellek's Itinerary "There's just nothing nice that come out of these fuckin' throats."

533: Rellek's Mom "I wasn't walking around like an ape throwing shit, was I?"

532: Rellek at The Strip Club "Behave! Behave, Matthew!"

531: Rellek's Coming "If I'm the classiest bitch of upstate New York then that's fuckin' sad."

530: Gas, Games and Glory "Take out your dictionary, get your wine, and buttfuck each other."

529: The Itch "Pussy has an amazing way of changing your point of view."

528: Movie Monday "You were gonna kill yourself if I didn't take you back. What was going through your head?"

527: Off to Market 'You had me balls deep, but God forbid I touched your hair.'

526: Hurt "Whatever she got is stronger than herpes."

525: Cages and Rats "'Suck my dick' means you may suck my dick at best."

524: Doing it to Yourself "I don't think anything is too far."

523: Potty Mouth "This is a doublewide, baby."

522: Top Notch "I'm having trouble hearing you ladies with all that bum dick in your mouth."

521: Working Stiffs "I don't know if you know this, but some women are C U Next TuesdayS."

520: Are You High? "All that needs edited out."

519: Beg, Borrow, Steal "I guess she can just hand us the money and then drop his pants."

518: Cruel Intentions "Can I call out the bitch who fuckin' turned me in?"

517: Justice "You broke out the Keith Malley Asshole Tone."

516: Daddy & Me "Dicks throw me. Constantly."

515: State of Emergency "Is this the guy's way of sizing us up?"

514: Digging Deep "I can't help you. You did the Chicken Dance."

513: Cockfights "You lose if you're all Cranky Bitchy McBitch."

512: Out of the Vagina "Your ovaries will fall out your mouth."

511: Dookie Breath "Well hurry up, I gotta rape you."

510: Make It Work "You're goofy and stupid and you're not on my side ever because you're such a dummy dumb and you get high all the time."

509: Oh Sandi "If you think it's cool to spread and encourage this wave of misogyny then best of luck to you."

508: Chemda Ruins Everything "Please don't repeat this on the show."

507: Deep and Dumb "Don't escalate me. "

506: The PaleSkin and FreckleFace Show "That's what you do when a Dee is right there."

505: Girls are Stupid "Can't wait for your spin-off show, Dummy."

504: Very Excited! "When in doubt I reference my vagina."

503: Down to Earth "'Where you goin'?' 'To fuck your friend. Good times and bad times...'"

502: Do You Love Me? "Anyone who talks to me like that is getting talked to exactly the same way back. So prepare yourself if you want that to be our relationship."

501: The Gunner "Sex after anything cures it. Come on."

500: Then and Now "And if you don't like that, sir, you can eat out my inner asshole."

499: Rolling in the Dough "I don't know these clowns."

498: Whats for Dinner? "Lick my nuts; suck my deep fried balls."

497: Sweet Romance "Another podcast first?"

496: Uncensored "You're gonna be performing your face in a pillow."

495: Being the Adult "I'm supposed to be doing this stuff in private."

494: Big Meanie "I get upset sometimes. I get upset sometimes..."

493: The Best Medicine "He screwed her up the stage; he screwed her down the stage."

492: Keep the Change "i was wondering if you would let me interview you two, its for a school project, it wont take long, ill just send you30-40 questions, and you'll send them back to me, with all the answers:D"

491: Troublemakers "You walk around acting like I can fuck you. That's all you do."

490: The High Life "You've been Phone Snapped!"

489: Chemda Needs a Boyfriend "Chemda has what they call emotions."

488: Sicko "We got a special guest: Dumby Dunce that'll just sit here all day."

487: Da Bomb "Try to make money, and have a nice life. That's all I can tell you. We're all doomed."

486: HA HA! "Don't give us shit. Make me earn shit."

BEGINNINGS 12: And You Must Carry On 69: The Girl On Vicodin (June 8 05) Keith creates a new robot-resistance movement. (7:30 to 9:00) 82: America We Stand As One (June 27 05) Interview with the great Dennis USA Madalone. (2:00 to 32:00) 83: USA All The Way (June 28 05) More HUAR news, including the MapQuest diversion theory. (15:15 to 17:45) Dennis Madalone redux and email responses. (2:00 to 8:45) 81: Earning Daddy's Approval (June 24 05) More robots in the news. Keep laughing, meat puppets. The Japanese and Hentai porn. (8:30 to 22:30) America We Stand As One by Dennis Madalone

BEGINNINGS 11: Platespotting 81: Earning Daddy's Approval (June 24 05) Keith's dad and his many, oh, lets call them eccentricities. (22:30 to 45:00) 59: Fuck a Title Wednesday (May 25 05) International basketball, Ethiopian cuisine, and Keith helps an ex as she runs the marathon. (8:15 to 19:30) 67: Stupid Money (June 6 05) Keith works at an old age home. (35:00 to 50:00) Calling it In (June 1 05) Keith gets some underwear for Christmas (27:00 to 39:00, with edits) 48: Lying, Dying (May 10, 05) Parents and cussin'. (7:45 to 16:30) 80: Gaylordy Lordy (June 23 05) Chemda and Patrice share stories of past loves and/or a...

BEGINNINGS 10: Games 'n Tings 74: The Greatest Generation (June 15 '05) Chemda does a clown job at a VA hospital barbecue. (BEGIN to 8:30) 52: Working From Home (May 16 '05) Keith witnesses a major confrontation at a kid's party and almost creams himself. (58:00 to 1:09:00) 66: Pain Is Good (June 3 '05) Chemda has to answer to a 10 year-old at her party. These little fuckin' bitches. (20:00 to 23:30) 54: Free Porn (May 18 '05) Chemda gets a post-party complaint, and the genesis of A-B porn is documented. (26:00 to 43:00) 57: Mommy / Me, DAMMIT! (May 23 '05) Keith, Curious George, a psychotic mom, and an assload of half-...

BEGINNINGS 9: The Wonder Years, Only Stickier 76: How To F*** (June 17 '05)'Chemda and her brother, Michael, regale each other with stories of innocence and beauty.'Count the number of times Michael says 'twat.' (4:45 to 56:30) 56: voodoolulu (May 20 '05)'Lulu's 'masturbation odyssey.'Frankly, she's way more talented than this. (12:30 to 28:45, 40:00 to 58:45)

Best Of 8: Tooth and Nail 71: Danny Yale's Mom is a Bad Parent (June 10 '05) - Chemda goes coo-coos McGoos over her food-packed gum-holes. (15:30 to 23:30) 72: Jackson Free, Ricans Jailed (June 13 '05) - Puerto Rican Day Parade blotter, more dental mirth, and mental dearth. (12:15 to 24:50) 78: Grooming: Not Just For Queers (June 21 '05) - A news story about a stabbing at Chuck E.'s leads into a discussion about man-grooming. Chemda recounts her recent root canal. (9:10 to 42:20) 79: When News Hits Home (June 22 '05) - Keith admits defeat at the hands of email, crime in the city, and the family dynamic in times of ...

Best Of 7: Broads and a Quad 49: DJ Quad (May 11 '05) - Prophetically, Keith injures his finger and learns what disability feels like. Then they talk to a real cripple. (BEGIN to 26:00) 58: Faking the Funk (May 24 '05) - Chemda and Keith lay into a podcast called "Israelisms" (surprisingly enough, still around) that think they, like others, can talk shit and still remain friendly. (15:00 to 28:00) 47: Fuck Paris Hilton (May 9 '05) - A brutal critique of the short-lived (thank Christ) Paris Podcast and, by association, the PodShow creeps who ate it up with painted-on grins. (BEGIN to 23:00) 65: What's in a Name (June ...

485: Who's the Pig? "This is from the New York City Police Department. And how do you know Keith?"

484: Blame Game "Eat this you giant tree trunk piece of ass!"

483: Guns N' Roonies "We would rather be addicted to the most powerful heroin than be fucked by this old motherfucker."

482: The Inner Circle "I think Keith's first DVD broke up my relationship."

481: Oh Canada "I've got a weapon in Central Park I gotta go pick up."

480: Rules to Forgiveness "Lick balls. Hope for the best."

479: The Pursuit of Nappiness "I'm not racist. Look how dark my girlfriend's skin is."

478: Psychic Witch "There is a divine blessing for brumski."

477: TeacHER "A-no-no-no! A-no-no-no! Welcome to New York City, Keith!"

476: Social Intercourse "Actually your boobies are some of the nicest boobies I've ever seen."

475: When People are Assholes 'Brumski's the new way we do business.'

474: Josh The Jew "That's what I did. That's what I did. I can live with that."

473: Seven and Counting "Do you do that with people you fake don't like? We had something, you fake fuck!"

472: Debating Team "Deuce wants to have an old Israeli sit-down with me, and that concerns me."

471: David Says "You don't call a girl a faggot, Homo."

470: Not Kosher "Keith and The Girl will get his penis. I guarantee it. I promise you."

469: Post-Traumatic Cryers "Now are you on Keith and The Girl's side? Now are you? Ridiculous."

468: Waiting for the Payout 'Pod-people don't play nice with each other.'

467: Picture Perfect "I get to see the Keith and Chemda that a lot of people don't get to see. And it's lovely, don't get me wrong. But..."

466: Armchair Doctors "War is delightful. Yeah, to those that haven't yet experienced it."

465: 2 Dump Minimum "I'm not startin' a fight..."

464: Teaching Lessons "What a table of not nice people, including your wife, dude."

463: We're Done Talking "There's your fuckin' freedom of speech!"

462: Rooners "Whoa whoa whoa. Now say that again in slower."

461: Psychology 101 "Can you understand why people would be homophobic?

460: Gasp "If you dare call my shit a monkeybox..."

459: Love & Poetry "I'll tell you what: I beat you, and I would like you to call in the show and just admit that I am very very smart."

458: Anatomy of a Nutsack "My penis is digital."

457: Marry Me! 'I'd like to kill myself and then get it back.'

456: Two Years Down "If you won the bajillion dollar lottery, would you still do the show?"

455: Faraway Fantasies "I can't love you this much and you not give a fuck."

454: Busted! "And don't you dare go, 'What's the big deal?' If you don't know, then you're a fuckin' idiot!"

453: Role-Playing Games "Liar, liar, liar with your pants on fire - always goin' back on your word."

452: Shut Your Face "There are no secrets. Only information you don't yet have."

451: Prove Me Wrong "Daily downloads of all their shows combined - all their shows combined at PodShow.com..."

Show 450: Live in Dallas www.KATG.com/live

449: Trucker Keith "Secret notebooks and lies. Y'all got a good thing goin' here."

448: Chamsa "You have Brumski; I have Chamsa."

447: You're not Important "You're not that important. You're gonna be alive again tomorrow."

446: You Dropped Your Cane "Now go get your cane, Little Baby Faggot."

445: Work Ethnic "I need Jesus to help me deal with you."

444: I Heart Orgasms "I'm not underage, but I'm a whore."

443: Proud to be an American "I swoop on suckers like an eagle not a sparrow."

442: Spooky is a Hoohaa "No, balls smell good sometimes."

441: ur gr8 "That's really gross. That's really the end of time."

440: We Be Playin' "I woulda really had the dick in the box. Who's gonna know?"

439: Pay the Way "Why can't I think of anything but eat shit?"

438: Thank You "Is any of this your problem? I'm just curious if that's your problem."

437: Dummy Gauge "I don't wanna be in a foxhole with some bullshit knight."

436: Serious as a Heart Attack "Keith, just tell me what to do. I can't function."

435: Black History Y'all "You come from a long line of fucked up."

434: Sideline Ho 'They wake up and piss their bed in your house? No. Sideline ho.'

433: Sip, Rinse, Repeat "That's a stupid point though, and you know that."

432: Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous "This is what ethnics are like. They're just like, 'WAAAH!'"

431: Rubber Gloves "We do Internet stuff now."

430: The B-Word "I don't have fuckin' time to keep you down. Who the fuck has time to keep your stupid-ass down?"

429: Picking Fights "It's all in your head. They take like a bucket of nothing and don't dump it on you."

428: Not Cool "I'll drink his cat piss for a good pleasant conversation."

427: Fam "I'll do anything now. I don't give a fuck if I get fired."

426: Nerd! "And by the way nothin's real. I made all that up."

425: Publicity Good "I eat your hate like love grenades."

424: Idiocracy "It doesn't matter how cool of a chick you are; you don't need a show about your not boyfriend."

423: What Would You Do with Money "If you were my wife I'd divorce you for sayin' that!"

422: Good Try "Patrice, have you had intercourse?"

421: Christian Finnegan "I can't believe I'm here on such an important day."

420: Social Idiots "KeithandTheGirl.com/donate. We know what all of you did."

419: Tears or Tits "No family supports any of that bullshit."

418: Dating Practices "...and my grandmother walked in and took the doll away."

417: Feel the Burn "Keith wants to feel normal again. Quick, somebody admit it."

416: God Made This "Life's a big lollipop to mechanics."

415: Recess Wrap-Up "Happy New Year, _______!"

Best Of 6: Clown and Out Segment #1 March 16, 2005 - Episode 8: "Clowning Around" (approx. 00:24 to 25:00) With Andrea: The three swap clowning stories and set the stage for all working malcontents everywhere. Segment #2 March 21, 2005 - Episode 11: "A Bad Day At Work" (approx. 01:18 to 22:15) Chemda does a clown job in Hell's tenement. Segment #3 March 27, 2005 - Episode 16: "Easter Spectacular - Easter Bunny and The Gay Cruise" (approx. 33:20 to 54:00) K & C go on a gay cruise. Segment #4 April 11, 2005 - Episode 27: "Then Stop Acting Like Your Stereotype" (approx. 3:50 to 21:25) Keith does a clown job f...

Best Of 5: Breakin' the Law Segment #1 May 6, 2005 - Episode 46: "Shit Doesn't Freeze" (approx. 3:50 to 15:45) With Patrice: Yep, THAT story. Plus, the first KATG discussion of the scourge that is glitter. Segment #2 April 27, 2005 - Episode 38: "Click Here, Mom!" (approx. 25:40 to 52:20) Chemda sneaks the parents' car out, Keith shoplifts, crashes into a fence, and tries insurance fraud. Keith tries his hand at deejaying, Chemda laments growing up female in a Jewish household, and more tales of juvenile delinquency. Segment #3 April 15, 2005 - Episode 31: "Jingles All The Way" (approx. 23:40 to 34:40) Patrice ...

Best Of 4: Crack is Fuckin' Awesome Segment #1 April 6, 2005 - Episode 24: "I'll Find You, John Petrie" (approx. 23:00 to 54:00) K & C swap roommate horror stories, including the now infamous Messrs. John DeForest Petrie and One-Eyed Davis. Great drug stories, too. The good old-fashioned rock, indeed. Segment #2 April 7, 2005 - Episode 25: "The Relationship Hour" (approx. 21:50 to 44:32) How Keith met Davis, the paradigm shift of ex-roommates and ex-seriosi to "just friends," and more on the origins of our favorite podcasting couple. Segment #3 April 21, 2005 - Episode 35: "Retard Rundown" (approx. 9:30 to 25:20) With...

Best Of 3: The Hole Truth Segment' #1' March 30, 2005 - Episode 19: 'Baby's First Phone Call' (approx. 17:00 to 41:00)' More on stand-up comics, bringer shows, contest scams, and more leading up to the taping of Keith's second CD, 'Children's Party Songs.' Segment #2' April 4, 2005 - Episode 22: 'Mitch Hedberg, Hippies and The Pope' (approx. 26:30 to 36:30)' A meeting with Sal. Segment #3' April 18, 2005 - Episode 32: 'Ginny (Guinea?) My Clothes Already' (approx. 12:30 to 38:40)' Post-taping wrap-up.

Best Of 2: Tragic/Comic Segment #1' April 11,' 2005 - Episode 27: 'Then Stop Acting Like Your Stereotype' (approx. 37:55 to 48:45)' Surf Reality stories, the nature of drug-inspired performance art, Feminism, the ex-roommates of Chemda, and the desperate measures a comic can take to win back a crowd. Segment #2' April 5, 2005 - Episode 23: 'Pay Your Fuckin' Tab' (approx. begin to 19:45)' Movie and dinner with a cheap friend of a friend.' Dating tactics, group dining, and the awkward beginnings of K / C as a couple. Segment #3' March 23, 2005 - Episode 13: 'The Pat O'Brien Phone Sex Tapes' (approx. 16:30 to 29:00...

Best Of 1: God, Grudges and Goin' Blind Segment #1' March 27, 2005 - Episode 16:' 'Easter Spectacular and the Gay Cruise' (approx. 00:30 to 17:00)' Discussion of Keith and Chemda's families, religious upbringings, and eventually breaking away from their respective faiths. They talk about their experiences with each other's houses of worship, and Keith recounts a relationship with a landlord/clergyman that gets a little too close for comfort.' Segment #2' April 8,'2005 - Episode 26: 'Oy To The Vey' (approx. 26:20 to 35:00) 'Chemda avenges an injustice by calling an evil party entertainment agency under false pretenses.' This leads...

414: Awkward Silence is Golden "Fuck you. And you know who you are."

413: Maxed Out - Patrice Drunk 'By the end it will just be Keith in a room. With a mic and a palm pilot.'

412: Maxed Out - Patrice Sober 'In 2007: Fuck everybody.'

411: Nature vs. Nurture 'This missile brought to you by KATG.com and USAF AMMO.'

410: Behave "You don't get to be the asshole 'cause you were born that way. We all get to be the asshole."

409: New Friend Request "How's that for a break?"

408: Circle of Quiet "'Cause they seem like a couple right now! Girls, are you with me?"

407: Native "God deliberately made us so that when sick shit happens to us when we're young we don't remember."

406: Spreading the Cheer "Hate 'em for being the equivalent of me breaking into your house and wiping a strange 12-foot dick across your neck."

405: Paying for the Drink "This is like Keepin' It Real Take 2."

404: Crazy Math "Whoa. A lot a fuckin' demands for bein' a heifer, honey."

403: You're the Adult "She perks up when she hears the phrase 'tits were workin'."

402: The Penis Show "Then you can write it on your Taste Chart how that girl was."

401: Trash "Me and every black rapper - are you kidding? You don't know us."

400: Still Here "Still, I want them to know, it only takes an apology."

399: Autism Offends Me 'There's no way to fuckin' win, old man!'

398: Birthdays and Breakups "Happy birthday; let's break up as an experiment."

397: You're Outted 'Just keep readin' your newspaper headlines. It's doin' ya fuckin' wonders.'

396: What's so Funny "It reminded me of the kind of stuff that 6 and 7-year-old boys tell each other in the bathroom."

395: WHORE! "You're weird. That is stupi-creepy."

394: Complete Ignorance "We all have to behave in a way that's better than what comes naturally to us."

393: Silly Geese "Maybe you sign a waiver in case you hit somebody in the face."

392: Millionaires "Disney isn't liquoring me up to get through this bullshit another day."

391: What Not to Say "You're the one who asked, asshole!"

390: Financial Aid "Who's not a priest now? You're welcome!"

389: Why Spooky Learned to Cook "Spooky Manifesto: he's lookin' for ladies."

388: Fart; burp! "Anyway, thanks for your poo story."

387: Crushed "Everybody knows at this point I get killed."

386: Stop Drinking... NOT! "Let's open up the air mattress and sleep under the kitchen table like the celebrities we are."

Show 385: Live in Boston www.KATG.com/live

384: Call Me! "Now it's premeditated. You will go to jail."

383: Gypsy King "They fuckin' ride horses and hit a dead goat's head around!"

382: Getting Over "Oh you're one of them? Go fuck yourself!"

381: But Why did You Lie? "That is sexy, when you were talkin' about in the car. I was just overwhelmed 'cause it was so hot."

380: Deuce's War "Make fun! I'm the only one trying to make a difference!"

379: Media Madness "I was lookin' for a Teenage Girls Makin' Out, but wait a minute; I can use some tubing."

378: Your Wife and Kids "A good wife always knows her place."

377: No Candy Here "Whatever damage BET didn't get done..."

376: Pop Music Good "This is the soundtrack to the inside of a stroke or a coma. This is what goes on in your head."

375: Antsy McPantsy "I decided to take my life a different route."

374: Taking Kids Out "Sounds like somebody slept with the wrong person."

373: Law & Order "Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to this."

372: Your Parents are Right "Good morning. You're dumb!"

371: Being "Nice" "Do you think I'm not gonna mind prison? I fuck dogs!"

370: Baby's First Tattoo "We'd appreciate it, ladies, if you tickled these twos guys' balls as you were doin' it."

369: Jerkin' to It "That's how Keith has sex. See that, kids?"

368: Bobcat Goldthwait "We shoulda kissed your ass a little more."

367: Reverse Advertising 'You start at the face, and then you negotiate.'

366: Business Etiquette "...with a joker smile and hot smelly-ass balls slapping against my body repeatedly."

365: Lowest Man on the Totem Pole "Fuck you, I quit!"

364: Tears for Queers "TheSimpsonsMovie.com"

363: Balls for President "Now I want to freeze your finish to see what the fuck it tastes like."

362: Paper Towel Ninjas 'Did you invite me out to not have a good time?'

361: Peer Pressure "What the fuck, dude? That is gay. Of course your wife left you. That is stupid."

360: Hulk Mode "Patrice is crazy bad-ass tonight. I'm gonna have nightmares."

359: All the Answers 'It is fuckin' torture to have shit in my brain that I can't share. I gotta fuckin' spill out every mother-fuckin' thing.'

358: Wakka Wakka "You were so fat! What happened? You were so fat!"

357: It's Personal 'He's gonna do whatever I say.'

356: The Brolo "Why are you such a dick?"

355: T.M.I. "He knows he's the coolest, rockinest dude in town!"

Show 354: Live in L.A. www.KATG.com/live

353: Calm Down "Oh my God. What the fuck? Your face changed!"

352: Jackasses "AKA I loved it, and I busted three nuts."

351: Fuckin' Superficial "Spooky, did you hear yesterday's show? You can do whatever you want, dammit. You're an adult."

350: I Do What I Want. "We better stick together 'cause we're both fuckin' nuts."

349: Podcasting = MONEY!!! "Damn, Keith, I already stomped on mine!"

348: In The Party "Black People: Do you love Cheez-Itz?"

347: A Simpler Time "Do you have life insurance on Keith? I think he's about to have an aneurysm."

346: AIDS Angel "It's 50 First Dates of your boy dyin'."

345: The Rules "Why are you talking? What are you responding to? My question is not done yet!"

344: Blind Date and Overweight "Would you just end this relationship now? Are you kidding me?"

343: Volunteering 'I've made a few queers in my day.'

342: Babysitting '12-year-olds. That's where the money's at.'

341: Baby's First Abortion 'Don't nobody know nothin'.'

340: Look Who's Talking "Why you taking it so seriously?"

339: Knock First "I do The Triple Finger. I do three fingers."

338: Year of the Faggot "What's goin' on, Pubeless Cock n' ballz?"

337: Inspire! "Live free or die."

336: Do Not Pass Go "Take the pie. All the pie you can get."

335: Working for a Living "Sorry, we smoked all $40."

334: For Richer or Poorer "She didn't get fingered; she got eaten out. I remember Chemda said she came in like two minutes."

333: For the Children "It's a 30-minute drive to the airport, but at least we've got cum guzzling to talk about."

332: Blue Collar Honesty 'If you believe in God, admit that He likes jokes.'

331: Next Question "You guys play softball, don't you? You just come out and say what you feel. We call this show: I Hate This Guy."

330: The 42-Hour Podcast "I can prove my record, Ricky Gervais!"

329: Homewrecker "No, I don't wanna be in your football thing! Now it's weird, isn't it? Now I'm the asshole!"

328: Gross Out "I'm not the one handing out candy in a shit factory!"

327: Dummies and Their Dumb Shit "I bet you're not reading this."

326: Chavs are Bollocks, Innit? "When you need to urinate, do it in this or you will die."

325: This is My Job "But I haven't punched anybody in the face while they were sleeping, either. You've done a lot of things nobody else has done."

324: The Love of a Parent "Cadet, you got a lot of balls to say such filth to me. And yes I have my shirt."

323: The Signs are Showing "Look how he judges me so harsh."

322: 4 of Clubs "Stare at him. Stare at him. Don't help him. Why do you guys help these people out?"

321: Search This "Each hour-long episode is podcast from New York and punctuated with several spit-semen-through-your-nose moments of hilarity."

320: Use a Condom "I'm aborting the baby."

319: Two and a Half Apologies "You're being used, and you know it. That's the saddest thing. You know it."

318: Lost in Translation 'What's a gayfer?'

317: The Jay Thomas Interview "You're a goddamn podcast for 15 fuckin' minutes and you come on tellin' me what to do after 30 years of nonstop fuckin' whatever nonstop I been doin'!"

316: Sweet PotatoE "Effing Jews."

315: Dopey Relationships "Today Bush addressed the NAACP and gave a speech to an entire audience of black people. At least that's what I'm told. I don't see color."

314: Fancy Pants "Lemme tell you something Adam Curry: You better tell your boy to shut the fuck up. 'Cause he's making you guys look ridiculous."

313: Too Little, Too Late "Will you stop interrupting me? It drives me crazy when I listen to the show and I hear you interrupt me. Left and fucking right!"

312: In Heat "I have never been so utterly blown away by the sad state of affairs when it comes to podcasters' RSS feeds."

311: Assed Out "I just do it on Suck a Dick Wednesday. Bye!"

310: Leaving Las Vegas "America loves shit."

309: Viva Las Vegas "And I liked that. 'Cause you don't get that in Jersey."

308: What Happens in Vegas? "Can you get premature ejaculation insurance for an extra $50?"

307: Death Dealers "You said you don't care about my country... Now you're saying fuck my grandfather..."

306: Represent! "Are you having a Keith Klux Klan moment?"

305: Keeping a Secret "If someone was touching you like that you would never date them."

304: Mic Check "I'm trying to find closure!"

303: Uncle Miltie "I sat in my own shit for 45 minutes. It's so good!"

302: Father Malley "We don't need to tell them about the leprechauns. That can be our story."

301: Beat the Band "Somerset, Pennsylvania: You anger me!"

300: LIVE AUDIENCE! www.KATG.com/300

299: Burger Lickin' "Look at the anger in her face. Look at Keith like that."

298: Complaining About Nothing "You're not ready for the advanced course, baby. That's all."

297: Bad Advice "We wanted to thank you for helping us find the solution to a particularly frustrating issue. Smiley face."

296: Advanced Racism "Why in God's name wouldn't you respond to those e-mails?"

295: Socially Disconnected "Don't be sorry, baby, be you!"

294: Direction "I have a nervous tick. I jerk off at kids' parties."

293: Glitter and Shit "What the fuck are you laughin' at? You do this! News flash: That's what you do."

292: Bathroom Humor "I am too small of a man to look into the great mind of Brother Love."

291: Driven "I hate that women use that as a weapon."

290: Making Girls Cry "I've heard or seen you do some evil shit. I would never wanna be on your bad side."

289: The Finer Things "New York: Tag. You're it."

288: Brad's Awesome Letter "Nobody's allowed to ding this 'cause Brad needs his fuckin' letter told."

287: Wasted Youth "When that epiphany happens then uh... just give us a call back..."

286: Too Many Choices "Everything, I think, is a test."

285: Love Meter "The shock, awe and horror on the faces of the audience..."

284: Spawn "Seriously though, nobody tell Satan."

283: Committed "You were probably drawing with your vagina blood."

282: Animal Farm "NOOO! NO, I'M NOT UNDER A LOT OF STRESS!"

281: What'd I do Now? "Everyone's starting to be a little weird."

280: New York State of Mind "He's wasting 15-year-old piss in a jar?"

279: How to Conduct an Interview "Seriously though, fuckin' reading books... If I can edit my book without reading it somehow, I would do it."

278: Handicap or Super Power? "We see everything scumbags do!"

277: Lesson Learned "It's a thing chicks do. They don't know where they're at."

276: Corsages and Coconuts "That's just for girls to go in there and jerk off to."

275: Dear Police "We are, honestly, I believe, the only radio station that would entertain a conversation like that."

274: Age Appropriate "The innocence of a child..."

273: I Said it's a Date! "DO THAT! DO THAT! DO ME THE FAVOR AND SAY THAT AGAIN!"

272: Great Attitude "I understand what is appropriate and what isn't."

271: Family Matters "When you pee, now of course it stings, it hurts a little bit, maybe it lasts five minutes."

270: Bit by Bit "Why you quizzin' me? I don't know."

269: Special Victims Unit "If you have an Asian loved one; Chinese, Japanese, or those other ones..."

268: Trust No One "You got good ears for hate."

267: Culture "I guess you consider that comedy."

266: Drunk and High "As soon as you left, I was thinkin' of all the possibilities."

265: American Camaraderie "How do we like France today?"

264: MythSupporters "I got out how to help child molesters. My work is done."

263: Cheaters "Whoever is the best fucker gets to make the most money."

262: Magic and Manipulation "I like any story that starts with 'ass' and ends with 'fists'."

261: Airplane Jokes "You just read that it said not to do that!"

KATG Fan Shows "I think I've explored the limits of my sexuality."

260: The Big Time "I'm gonna be in the movies."

259: Dirty Little Secret "You're right, I'm sorry, and help me."

258: Attitude Adjustment "'Why your hands orange?' 'Cause I'm happy.'"

257: Driving Me Crazy "How do you sleep tonight, Ticket Giver? Huh? Is that what your family thought you'd be doing, Ticket Giver?"

256: Service with a Smile "I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not good at juggling balls. Chainsaws? Very good."

255: Defecation of Character "You know what bothers me about gays? They ruined the word 'faggot'."

254: Fast and Furious "They're all gonna choke you when you get there."

253: Chuuch "The only thing I like better than doin' a crossword is just stompin' on some faggot's balls."

252: Fight! Fight! "Call me a cunt. Put it in my ass. I'm a slut."

251: Mad with Power "Whether I misunderstood you or not, we're gonna send you a warning."

250: Glitter Tits "I'm your guest! Treat me nice!"

249: Talk of the Town "I was peeing blood. And not just reddish-color. I mean actual blood."

248: Little Black Lies "I'm ready to close that right on your bug eyes."

247: The PodShow Contract "Give it over to the daddy. Daddy will know what to do better than you."

246: Old School "Suck your own monster cock since it's so gigantic."

245: Punch Him in the Face "So then you lied to us, didn't you, you little cunt bitch?"

244: School of Comedy "She has to remind me that I need clothes."

243: Call Bullshit "And I'm totally opposed to this 'cause it's so wrong..."

242: Spoiler "If his mother catches him, we're goin' to jail."

241: Too Much Information "I gave Balls a couple naked pictures of Hari."

240: ATTN Asian Bankers: Disregard "Keith, your cock was cheated."

239: What's the Deal With "The day after that I bought a butt plug."

238: Missing the Joke "Don't make me laugh at this."

237: Kid Touchin' "They're ruinin' my good name."

236: Baby's First Webcam "Today is a very special night. It's a magical night."

235: Rhythm Nation "You shouldn't put that much technology in your vagina."

234: Abort! Abort! "You can open it up and you got a dick in your face, absolutely."

233: One Year Down "I'm not Muslim, but I'm on their side."

232: A River in Egypt "Big gay balls to you."

231: Patrice is Drunk "This tastes like I got a cut on my knee."

230: Gays are People Now "The ignorance astounds me."

229: BitchFace "I'll make them be gay. I'm just tryin' to pee."

228: Crime and Punishment "If we can redo the laws: Kill him."

227: For the Love of Money "They all know their place."

226: Keep it to Yourself "I can't believe I get that look from you."

225: Let's Make a Deal "Sandra, it is Suck a Dick Wednesday. I'ma see ya tonight. What are we gonna do?"

224: About Your Girl "Don't fuckin' embarrass me like that."

223: Pick a Side "You guys don't have viruses because nobody fuckin' cares about you."

222: Coupling "Jesus is my sober. Fuck you!"

221: 3-Beer Queer "You know what I'm doing. Is this funny? This is - this is funny. You know what I'm doin'! You know I'm doin' everythin' right!"

220: Not for You "Get away from the door, niggaaa."

219: Apple Butter "I can't try harder 'cause there's something in my crotch."

218: Cool "I was about to say, 'DEUCE DEUCE', but are we saying that anymore?"

217: Don't Sleep "I'm fancy as fuck."

216: After the Screening "The Fag Community got us again."

215: Letters to the Editors "Thank you for your quality letter, Sick Fuck."

214: Women for President "I'll tell you what: Somebody will owe somebody an apology tomorrow."

213: Friends? "Does your girlfriend ever do that, guys?"

212: Mating Rituals "You know you're just my friend. Right?"

211: Happy Slapping "This whole world doesn't make sense! I gave Keith beer!"

210: Gangsta Do's and Don't's "I can calm down, and I can get my crazy in order."

209: Deconstructing Spooky "Save it for the show."

208: Constructive Criticism "Why am I even thinkin' about this? Fuck you!"

207: Titties for God "And the dick looks surprisingly like your dick."

206: Criminal Minds "The first killing is always awkward."

205: Stereotyping "I need the sick stuff."

204: Boycott AOL "This is what your kids are watching, by the way."

203: City Mouse Country Mouse "It's not my fault, but it definitely wasn't right."

202: Caveat Emptor "Fattest Nation in the World say, 'What?'"

201: Couples Therapy "Who you callin' boyfriend? We're not fuckin'."

200: Cock Mouth "Cock blood does taste the worst."

199: Kicking and Screaming "Oh, we got another cripple! I'll take it..."

198: WKTG "I devote entire days to blowing you. Wednesday. Heard of it much?"

197: Mission Accomplished "Good mornin', everybody. We're drinkin' at Malley's Neighborhood Pub."

196: Revenge "Please stop saying stuff like this! Please! Do you see the record button is on?"

195: Tattletales "I seriously think I might shit my pants this episode."

194: The Desires of Desire "Deuce is out; Spooky's in."

193: Spooky Visits "All of a sudden the ATF makes sense."

192: Cinnamon Bread "Do you know what dead mouse smells like?"

191: So Sue Me "You fuckin' bitch. Don't even mention that. Don't even say that."

190: Sexual Content "Stick somethin' in your asshole. Who's gonna know?"

189: Three's Company "So, 1 to 10: How gay are you?"

188: Encore "Oh my God. I didn't know you people really looked like that."

187: Keith and Patrice "We gave bandanas to all the Indians when we gave them AIDS."

186: Love Letters "I'm Douchebag Wiggle."

185: I Have a Bomb "What the fuck show you listenin' to?"

184: How to Build a Resume "If somebody can do it, chances are I can do it."

183: Business Solutions "Nobody knows you better than you."

182: Friendly Skies "When did we become homeless?"

181: Finish Her! "I can't even explain it. You'll see. You'll see..."

180: Idiot Box "Good to talk to you before we all die."

179: Fuck the Family Friday "Crazy. White. People."

178: Find Keith a Job "All of this. Everything I see in this building is my skill."

177: It's Not Me, It's You "If you're Batman or you're trying to get blowjobs, you can wear those shirts."

176: Apology Accepted "Apologies don't last forever, Honey. You got your fuckin' apology."

175: How to Kill Your Baby "Don't make babies with scalawags."

174: Smell the Roses "That's the thing with lesbians; they got so much goin' for 'em, but they don't fuck dudes."

173: Free Booze "Well the robot didn't show up. We're not at Stage 3 of HUAR yet."

172: The Michael Carrino Interview "Hey all you assholes, come and listen to us. It's the Keith and The Girl show."

171: Rockstar “In come the real-titted, girls, you know? It’s like we got the lunch bitches.‿

170: In The Barrio "It only takes one misunderstanding."

169: Nice to Know Ya, California "I'm lookin' for two stick figures. One of 'em's always drinkin' I guess."

168: Venus and My Cock "You know you really have to work hard, and you have to give 'em UH! UH! UH!"

167: Movin' On Up "No-no, I think you can be a normal person. No-no, let's keep tryin'."

166: Greg Giraldo "You were just saying 'what an asshole' so Stephanie can pee in her pants."

165: The Girl, M.D. "That wasn't the bet! The bet was: Can I drink on antibiotics? And I won!"

164: Lo Ya-fe "So what's your problem with me, Chief?"

163: $$$ "I don't understand why it doesn't smell like shit and piss. '311?'"

162: Keith on Vicodin "If I were a doctor, I might go in and scalpel some bullshit."

161: Where is Thumbkin? "Why don't you just take out your balls? 'Where is Bally?' 'Here I am.'"

160: Adam Visits "I quickly get rid of it 'cause I feel like the government's on the other end."

159: Suck My Halloweenie "I couldn't think of a phrase or something that would be on Wheel of Fortune that doesn't have a curse word in it."

158: Friendly Ribbing "Easy, Dane Cook. You're still pretty."

157: Jani Lane "Good for you you got fat."

156: Relationship Lesson #47 "You're tryin' to say 'I love you' in a nice fuckin' way!"

155: Who Knows What "The human body will shake, so you're gonna need a tripod."

154: Days Gone By "How many times do I have to lie to you? Once!"

153: Fuck Dane Cook "If the husband doesn't get home in time, there's gonna be a quickie."

152: Your Child's a Pussy "I know those little sensitive kids can't kick my ass. That is the difference."

151: Dental DAMN! "My vagina hurts as you're saying this."

150: Gay Nigga "And really, me saying nigger is wrong; 'cause when I think it, I mean it. I don't mean it with a 'a', I mean it with a 'e-r'."

149: Want Some Candy? "How'd ya know? I was on cocaine. I forgot to mention that."

148: Say You're Sorry "She loves to slice wrists. You would think she's perfect."

147: Learning Curve "Crawling under barbed wire through mud: Looks cool; not really fun."

146: Phone Jerk "You are listening right now! You have herpes! I know it!"

145: Doug Stanhope "I can't make up my mind about Dane Cook. So my question is: 'Doug Stanhope; do we like Dane Cook?'"

144: Keith and The Girl's Dad "So that's 40 percent of the people thought I was an asshole."

143: The Porn Shop "You can run back with your dick in your hand and press 'ALL IN'."

142: Poker and DICE! "Thank you for making me understand the definition of beauty."

141: Old Farts, New Smells "I bet you still gotta use bigger and bigger vibrators until finally you need a jackhammer."

140: Satan Sucks "I just decided it was bullshit and washed it out of my brain."

139: Who's Sicker? "1 in 4 Africans has AIDS. And there's 5 of them in the tent."

138: WAAAH! "Why aren't you drinkin'?"

137: Keith, Interrupted "We're broken up. Unless you guys write enough so that we should care."

136: Liam McEneaney "This is the biggest fuckin' thing, these iPods."

135: Behind the Scenes "If we can't kill people for being weirdos, then we have to help them!"

134: The Girl on PMS "Hunt 'em fast; kill 'em slow."

133: Get Mad. Get Even. "Our fans may be good-looking; they're not the best storytellers."

132: Tax Deductible "I look at Abraham Lincoln in a picture or somethin', first thing I think of is that he's black."

131: Jerk This "This Friday, for the poker game, we're letting in gay people."

130: Farts and Branks "I'd like a fuckin' wraparound couch, dickhead."

129: Poconos "The big entertainment of the whole thing: Comedy Hypnosis Show."

128: Stop the Insanity! "Hey you're on Keith and The Girl. How much do you weigh?"

127: Baby Sleepy Boo Boo "If you pay your taxes and be-the-fuck-have, you may stay."

126: Sins of the World "You're pulling on it! I'm not wearing some kinda new sexy pants, but I gotta keep pulling on my dick!"

125: What do Blacks Want? "That's offensive to balls!"

124: Musically Declined "I always walk behind you and go, 'That was a joke. And he's just funny.'"

123: The Early Show "Who gets up this early? Honestly."

122: Apologies All Around "Dice is an Angel of God."

121: Not for Sale "Abracadabra; all that shit."

120: Fire-Breathing Assholes "That is not our policy to call you a bitch dog."

119: Click Here, Kane! "If it's more than five dollars, it's pretentious."

118: Public Enemy #1 "How do we get gotten on such a dumb fuckin' thing?"

117: Walken 2008 "Go 'head, Keith. Get your balls back."

116: Duck, Duck, Uh-Oh! "Why would they want, Andrea? That is correct. Why would they want? How could that help us in any way? It can't! It can't help us in any way!"

115: Parental Advisory "Remember when you snooped through their shit? Well, they're snoopin' through your shit! Hide the sex toys!"

114: State of the Show Address "If you're gonna lose your house to some game: FullTiltPoker.com."

112: Animals "I have simulated herpes."

111: Baby's First Blow Job "Old enough that I should've said, 'Stop pulling my dick.'"

110: Technical Difficulties "I wish we could say more. I can't wait until the day when we go, 'You know what? We don't need friends.' That is gonna be a good show."

109: In Our Defense "Oh that's so funny that you mentioned it cause it's the first time that I brought beer and that's when we mentioned it."

108: Find Patrice a Job "When I do post, I type it in Notepad first so I don't click 'send' by accident and get my ass handed to me."

107: Suck a Dick Wednesday "So what about me? Lick a Twat Tuesday."

106: Dan Klass is an Addict "God sounds like Fat Jani Lane."

105: Hatin' "Speaking of drugs, this is part of Clown Monday..."

104: Cock and Balls "Mark, you have the biggest balls..."

103: Great Adventure "Can't one person shake me, the other person yell BOO!, and then take a hundred dollars? Then I have the rest of my day free."

102: The Aftermath "I will probably not listen to your show again - DAMMIT! - based on your ignorance and insensitivity regarding BLANK."

101: The Past will Haunt You "I'm being sabotaged at home."

100: KATG LIVE! -undefined-

99: Babies on Acid "Just real fast: cockandballs. It's fun."

98: What a Beach "Every word you said in English was a polite word. It's like Hebrew didn't have nice words."

97: Rude Behavior "And I'm just disappointed, like I didn't get to show my sister a freak, you know?"

96: Ray Visits "I'm no longer watching. You're gonna have to tell me what's happening."

95: The Mature "...and Ron Weasley fucks the chick in the ass."

94: Back in the Day "Way to take a stand on something, French."

93: War and Peace "Was she like: 'Whoa, it just came to me. That's fuckin' gross. I will not do it again. I just realized what I was doing.'"

92: Old Enough to Know Better "I'm all for making people cry."

91: The Keith and The Keith Show "Womenfolk are gone, bitches. 2. 3. 4."

90: Small Town Minds "Congratulations to Amy Miller, you fuckin' hog."

89: Fighting Dwarves "Yes, absolutely. I would punch a woman."

88: Stick to Your Own "If all I did was swim, and I didn't have to do anything else, I think I could win a gold."

87: Fuckstration "'Do you know how to make a flower?' They saw me making flowers all day. 'No.' 'Yes you do!' 'Then why are you asking?'"

86: Let's Go to the Phones "Sometimes I'll find something on the ground, and I'm not sure what it is, so I'll put it in my mouth to figure it out. Sometimes it's not food, but it usually is food."

85: I Have a Black Friend "God bless white people!"

84: Drinking on the Job "When you are at work drunk IMing your mom: 'I'm just jerkin' off. What are you doin'?'"

83: USA All The Way "I went to my wife's job... I cursed out all the managers..."

82: America We Stand As One "Dennis wants to see no harm done to kids? It's Clown Monday."

81: Earning Daddy's Approval "You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do."

80: Gaylordy Lordy "Well, we were talking about being humped as children..."

79: When News Hits Home "Fuck you you fuckin' fuck."

78: Grooming: Not Just for Queers "And I'm not some weirdo wiping my dickhead with my hand."

77: Bum Jobs "I'm gonna put this Rest In Peace on blast, son."

76: How to F*** "And granted I'm not a little boy, you know? 18. And some cultures consider that being a man."

75: Bad Day, Worse Day "This guy just wouldn’t fuckin’ come! You know what? Shit like this makes me wanna go back to the dungeon!"

74: The Greatest Generation "At first, naturally, I just wanna look at her tits. But then, it's like, mmmmm, I'm allowed to read somethin'."

73: Pop Experts "Now say that I'm smart. I'll blow you; you say I'm smart."

72: Jackson Free, Ricans Jailed "No big deal. No big whoop. I just made, a big 'ol poop."

71: Danny Yale's Mom is a Bad Parent "But if you're 10-years-old this is a way to get felt up by an adult."

70: Down With Scientology "I can't keep it to myself: Jimmy Fallen sucks."

69: The Girl on Vicodin "I lost my train of thought. Who cares? Another Vicodin?"

68: Reading is for Faggots "They had the American flag in their poster and everything, you assholes! The flying eagle... I trust that eagle, sir!"

67: Stupid Money "I should have washed her vag."

66: Pain is Good "Three ways to tell fatties they're grotesque without getting them upset."

65: What's in a Name "She fuckin' is a designer cause she graduated from NYU or whatever the hell... Please. Learn to suck a cock. Did you live in a dorm?"

Calling It In "It must be awesome to be black in this country."

62: Memorial Day with the French "The fat guy trips, and I'm like, 'I think he's dead. Dig in.'"

61: Your Girlfriend's Movers "Yeah, that's somethin' you should say. Or: jump out the fuckin' window. And I opted for the window. And: that was smarter; cause then I'm in the emergency room and I don't gotta deal with this."

60: Is Patrice Black? "Shut the fuck up, and fuck a woman!"

59: Fuck a Title Wednesday "It's not like you finish and your nipples are bleeding; you're like that was some good sex. You ran for that!"

58: Faking the Funk "Do you have the sex sheet? I can't find it. I would hate to ruin another good sheet."

57: Mommy & Me, DAMMIT! "Did you put the chair down on her foot? Alright, quit ruinin' my story."

56: voodoolulu 'That's not weird. Continue. Continue, please. She makes everything a big deal.'

55: Keith Tries to Care "Just shoot me in the face. What shoes does she wear? Ohhhh..."

54: Free Porn "I turned him upside down, and Elmo stuffed him in a garbage."

53: Whore College "She's gonna root for the parapelegics of the world, and I'm goin' for the human beings."

52: Working From Home "Black women are the worst. And I've had 'em all!"

51: When Clowns Cry "This is a momentum of why you hate your mom."

50: Podcast Outlaw "Well quit lookin' in temples fuckin' Satan."

49: DJ Quad "When did you become retarded?"

48: Lying, Dying "Stop yawning into the mike, please. Jesus Christ! A little subtlety, thank you."

Fuck Paris Hilton "I'm just upset that I wasn't invited."

Mother HAPPY MOTHERS' DAY!

46: Shit Doesn't Freeze "I think in eating out the stripper: you both lost."

Sex Shortyentation "Girls don't know that. That happens sometimes."

44: We Tried... Whatever... NO QUOTE TODAY. WHO CARES?

43: Ghetto Clue "'Oh he thinks we're fuckin' playin'.' And they take the gun and they point it at my legs."

Keith and The Sand Nigger "I think this is a set-up and that's your wife and you're gonna punch me in the face."

I Know You're Cheating On Me "I like men now. I am gay."

Threats and Blessings "Look at Patrice's face. She can't take it."

Sex and the Shitty...Get It? "This Keith is a genius, and his speech impediment just emphasizes his wit and ageless wisdom!"

Click Here, Mom! "Okay, now say something nice about my vagina."

School Up In Ya "We were undercover cops like 21 Jump Street."

Keepin' It Real "You were just quiet cause you were so mad that all that alcohol was gone."

Retard Rundown "Cheese is on twelve when you're high."

Singers Wanted "Are you gonna sing Amazing Grace? You're on the air right now, and we're tryin' to find the next singer."

Working Blue "Hey, who wants to blow my boyfriend? Wooo!"

Ginny My Clothes Already "Make it stop. I'm gonna hit my head against the wall. Just punch me."

Jingles All The Way "I like it. No, it's awesome. It's like putting the Transformers Autobon face on your chest."

Victor Varnado "Victor, you're a black albino. You're God's little special project. You're special."

Documentary Do's and Don't's "You were gone! You said you were gone!"

How to Get Pregnant "I wanna get it in there before she changes her mind."

Then Stop Acting Like Your Stereotype "You get arrested and you're on COPS, your first call should be to an agent."

Oy to the Vey "Thank you, Maria. And good luck to you. I know you believe in Hell."

The Relationship Hour "Computers are made out of ones and zeros. Throw a fuckin' two in there!"

I'll Find You, John Petrie "I had a roommate, One-Eyed Davis, that I caught stealin' money from me, and, so I pissed all over his - in all his drawers, and I poured bleach on all the clothes hangin' up. That was me, Davis! I did that!"

Pay Your Fuckin' Tab "Dick! I was watchin' that! Why don't you just go in my house and change the fuckin' channel?"

Mitch Hedberg, Hippies and The Pope "So he was #1 and gets The Pope dying. I think that's fair, if I get this guy: One of the greatest comics, Mitch Hedberg, is dead."

Fuck Dawn and Drew "They don't even know why they're on! Well fuck you, you're getting off."

Scams & Horrors "CNN just reported Terri Shiavo, 41-years old, is dead. So uhh... sorry about all those jokes. Alright, lookin' at, uh, the Amityville murders..."

Baby's First Phone Call "He's the one that edited this and put it together. So when you're seeing this guy fuck dog-style and then he turns the phone to his fat head: He did that!"

Bartleby the Scrivener "Granted I didn't read it, so that could be your argument to argue with me, but I know it fuckin' sucked."

Asian Torture "If Christ is real, in about a week to a week and a half, we will be in the Top 10."

Easter Spectacular - Easter Bunny and The Gay Cruise "Some of these are just like joke commandments - just to make sure you're listening."

Prison Bitch "Whitney Houston is in rehab. Just sliced a bitch. Yeah, in the throat. In the shower."

CUNTinue "Fuck it! Tonight: hookers, drugs, you, my girlfriend Betsy, eatin' pussy, suckin' dick, lickin' tits... Eatin' pussy..."

The Pat O'Brien Phone Sex Tapes "I've decided to take action by checking myself into an intensive recovery program. Overcoming this problem is a top priority in my life now that my shit's all over the Internet."

Marriage & Hookers "I hate that fuckin' bitch of a wife that I have, and I hope that she burns in Hell..."

A Bad Day at Work "It's gonna take a hell of a work to get that shit outta your foot."

THE OLSON TWINS DIVORCE! "I masturbated to all these people! Who's next?"

The Girl's Brother "And then suddenly I wake up, and I'm on a plane to the Dominican Republic."

Clowning Around "I believe assholes are born not raised."

Teletubbies Premiere "Everybody's gotta act like a fuckin' adult!"

Jeff the Jerkoff "Hi. I'm Jeff. I'm a - I'm a jerkoff. It's pleased to meet you. Please don't call me Jeffrey. That's what my mom calls me when I'm trying to podcast in her basement."

The Podwars of 2005 "Their show has really just turned into a countdown of when he chokes her."

Customer Service "We come here all the time. So eat it."

The Breakup Show "I don't like any trauma, and chicks are crazy."

Introduction to Racism "I want to have sex, so I'm like, 'Can you finally pick at this? This's disgusting.'"

SHOW #1 "Does that make you cranky, or it turns you into a man?"